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February 09, 2010

Caution to the wind

Here's the thing.

I asked for something major -- something that almost always leads to rejection.

And I can't tell you what!! I wish I could, but sometimes it's best to keep things private.

It's is a question that is nestled in the deepest overlap of my profession and my greatest passion. And if I report it here, well... I am not ready to give away that part of myself yet, to put it out in public. It is too fragile and too sacred. For now, at least, it is.

But I can write around it.

How and why did I ask for this today? Because I had no reason not to. For years I thought about it, wondered if I was ready, wondered if it was the right moment, and I kept coming back to the same two letters. Snide N, callous O. One poked me while the other laughed.

And then, Tuesday I simply asked. I didn't even think about it. Out of the blue, I took the necessary steps to formulate my question, approached the individual and pronounced the words.

There wasn't an ounce of fear. It was completely natural that I should ask for this, this way, and now. Imagine seeing your high school principal, the strict one who was kind of scary but always had your best interests at heart, at your grocery store. She retired and moved to your neighborhood. You're both just people now, and while she was and will always be formidable, you are finally tall enough to look her in the eye. You have earned the right to call her Judy.

As I write this two days after the fact, I am still waiting for an answer.

In the worst case, it will be a confirmation of what I've been telling myself all this time. At best, a new road will unfold before me and I will have proven the most fundamental tenet of asking: Don't close the door on yourself, don't reject yourself. You try, give it a shot, and let others do the rejecting. Asking is half the battle...

Sorry to get so metaphysical on you.

Perhaps, if I am blessed, I will have some concrete news to report.

And if not, back to business as usual. Which is fine by me! =)

[image via ffffound]
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