An Invitation

There's this saying about good vodka: The first drink with water, the second drink without water, the third drink like water.

I think this definitely applies to asking. Do it once out of curiosity, do it again for practice, and by the third time, you'll find you're hooked.

Gentle Reader, I am writing to you with an invitation to join me in this month of asking. I've created three requests we can do together, each with a different purpose or focus. This one is money oriented, but the rest will cover other areas (career, convenience, etc). They're all easy and fun -- and designed to help build confidence, put a little cash in your pocket and make you a savvier negotiator.

Here we go:

Sometime between now and Sunday at midnight your local time, ask for one of two things.

A) Ask to save money -- any amount -- from one transaction. This can be a cash discount, free dessert at a restaurant, 'sale price' before or after the sale, on the phone or online or in person... for ideas, look here.

B) Ask to give money -- any amount -- to a stranger who doesn't look like he or she would "need" or want to accept it. Giving cash to someone asking for money is easy, so that's not what we're doing. We're going to be asking someone who gives no clues about his or her financial needs to accept $5 (or whatever amount you'd like)... since that's a little trickier.

If you're curious about doing it yourself instead of reading about it, if you've been thinking of starting to ask but unsure when or why or how, if you want a prompt, if you want to do something together with the rest of this community and want the group's support, or if you already love negotiating and want to come along for the ride, this invitation is for you!

Especially for those who are afraid to try or haven't asked yet, these exercises are meant as an opportunity to jump in. Blame me if you have to. Just ask!! 

And for experienced negotiators, feel free to expand or tailor these as you'd like. Increase the dollar amount or complete both challenges.

(If you're not comfortable or ready yet, no worries. There will be more opportunities soon, including some collaborative projects I'm developing with the creative forces behind some other negotiation/business blogs.)

As you get results, please leave a comment here. Write in with questions/concerns. Feel free to comment on each other's stories and make it a fun conversation.

CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT YOU COME UP WITH.

image source: istockphoto.com

"I can ask for anything but money"

Here we are, post 4 from Ecuador. After this, one more to go and we'll be back in California ;)

One of the people I was traveling with works for a nonprofit, and on one of the long and bumpy rides through the rainforest we all started talking about fundraising. He made a confession.

It's very hard for him to ask for money. He'll ask for help, support, contacts, government meetings, but when it comes to connecting with donors, he feels embarrassed.

"Let me guess, you feel like you're imposing, like you don't want to bother people?" I asked.

"Yes."

I'm going to turn this one back around to you, readers. I know some of you (Hi Mazarine, Julieta, and Ashley for starters) are in the fundraising sector or collaborate with fundraising projects.

Do you have any advice for this man? How did you get over the fear of financial asking? What's so terrifying about it?

[image credit]

4 more reasons we don't ask (or what a British hunting lodge taught me about taking my fear and stuffing it)

These evening I found myself at the Red Fox Room, drinking a chocolate martini.

The Red Fox Room is a dive pianobar not far from my house which looks like a cross between an English hunting lodge and an English hunting lodge. On its wood paneled walls hang cheap portraits of noble hounds. The drinks are short and mighty, like HRH. From the front of the bar, a trio pumps golden age jazz standards and the occasional showtune. The vinyl booths clash, quite brilliantly, with the rest of the room.

The story goes that a British lady used to frequent the hotel next door, and she so loved a certain hunting lodge back home that when she settled in San Diego she had it transported, panel by panel, to its present location.

For all these reasons, and for the $6.50 martinis, it's one of my favorite haunts here.

Tonight, however, a problem surfaced.

I was sitting at a booth, half-facing the TV over the bar, and from the corner of my eye I spotted something gross.

Something I really hate looking at (but others, apparently, could care less about).

Something small and organic and icky.

Bugs.

Thousands of bugs in a boxes being handled by scientists.

(Ewwww again. Flashback!)

I turned away, revolted. But the bright TV screen dominated the dim room, and I couldn't help but see the occasional glimpse every time I moved my head a few degrees or talked to the waitress.

I waited a bit, to see if the program would change. Nothing.

I put my hand up to my face, to shield the view.

But that got tiring.

Finally I got up and asked the bartender if she could change the channel since it was grossing me out. She did and apologized.

I sat down. And then I wondered what took me so long.

Here's why it took me so long.

Sometimes, we don't ask because we hope others will solve the problem for us or the problem will solve itself. "My boss will recognize how much I worked last quarter and let me take off the Friday before Labor Day. I've mentioned I want to go camping twice, already." "I'm not going to ask the landlady to fix the gutter problem since they usually blow away by the winter." "I don't need to ask Melissa to stop for food... they'll all get hungry soon and then we'll stop when everyone wants to eat." "They'll offer to pitch in... they'll offer to pitch in... why didn't they offer to pitch in?"

Counterargument: What if everyone else is waiting for the same thing? Break the ice, broach the subject. You might become some else's hero. The only thing you must never ask in a fake-real British hunting lodge: "Is it just me, or is it hot in here?"]

Sometimes, we don't ask because we don't know our place. What you ask for, who you ask and how you ask for it reveals a lot about how you fit into a group, a context, a situation. In some places, novices do the asking, and in others it's the initiates. Breaking the pattern requires staking a claim on a territory. And that can be scary. In that bar, I wasn't sure who controls the TV and if other people were watching the show.

Counterargument: True, knowing the rules and playing by them can be the right approach. Asking the CEO of a company you're pitching, "So, can I sit down yet?" might not be the best way to start your meeting. But if everyone played by the rules or assumed they shouldn't ask, we'd have no women's suffrage and the wage gap would keep growing. Lo and behold. So: Evaluate first. Weigh benefits and drawbacks. Then ask.

Sometimes, we don't ask because that requires recognizing -- and publicizing -- a weakness in ourselves. In my case tonight, disgust. In other cases: needing money, wanting access somewhere, wanting something someone else has. Remember the kid in kindergarten who asked for the doll? She wasn't the popular one. The popular one was the girl holding the doll. "I'm can't ask mom for help on the rent. I'm a grown-up now." "I can't invite myself along! They'll say something if they want me there." "I need a good therapist, but who can I trust to get a referral from? Whatever, I'll just look online."

Counterargument: You might find others with the same vulnerability -- either in the present or, just as valuable, in the past. (And that popular girl who was holding the doll? Guess where she ended up: at your company, earning 72% of what you do because she never learned to ask.)

And sometimes, we don't ask because we hold ourselves to a higher standard than we hold others. We're strong, we're critical, we downplay our needs. "Minding bugs? I should just get over it." "Of course I want her to call if he's going to be twenty minutes late, but I can't be the bitchy friend." "It would be such a relief if he started taking the kids to preschool, but he's home looking for work and I should suck up the detour. Scratch that." "God I wish she would stop taking my sweater without asking permission. But whatever, I should just chill out."

Counterargument: If we were asked to change the channel, remember to call when we're running late, drive the kids to school or not borrow without permission, we'd rush to accommodate. Maybe eagerly, maybe guiltily, but we'd do it -- and possibly blame ourselves, not the asker. Never assume your request is uncalled for: deduce it is. (Alternately, let the askee settle any doubts you have about the legitimacy of your request with a yes or no.)

And let me tell you: the payoff of getting what you need or want is so great, it far outweighs these anxieties. So how about this: Before you walk away from a situation that needs fixing, ask yourself:

Am I passively hoping for a solution?

Am I confused about whether or not it's ok to ask in this setting?

Am I feeling embarrassed about this need or desire?

Would I mind if someone asked me something similar?

These answers should shape your strategy -- and hopefully give you the guts to go for it!

Sheesh. Who would have thought that a post about a 2 second request to change a TV channel would turn into all this?? But what can I say: I have strong feelings about bugs. And asking. Hey, maybe that's a topic for my next blog: The Daily Bug Evader. Any interested readers out there?

[image credit]

My name is La Roxy, and I am scared to negotiate

I just finished the first session of the 4-week long She Negotiates seminar.

It was a total, how you say, mindfooque. Those 90 minutes have taught me as much as I've learned in months of asking.

My classmates were a mix of experienced and fresh negotiators from a variety of fields, and a mix of salaried employees and entrepreneurs. We learned some negotiation and conflict resolution theory, but the most rewarding aspect in this first session was the role-playing.

They paired us off, and the assignment was simple: Pretend you're negotiating a salary/raise or offering a service for a fee. If you're being asked, your job is to say no. If you're asking, your job is to get the other side to say yes. Then switch sides with your partner.

Easy enough.

They paired us off, rang the start bell and...

I froze.

I have asked for something everyday for a year. I asked an employer to restore a fired woman's job. I have asked a stranger if I could try on his cartoon costume head. I've negotiated a lower rent, better hotel rates, discounted catering. But when it came to this informal salary chat with abstract results in a fake conference room, I couldn't find the words to save my life.

"Hi, um, please turn to page 13 of the proposal where you'll see the proposal, I mean the quote, I came up with, which is a great value for your company... gag. Cough!"

Fortunately, I was paired with a savvy and persuasive partner, and when it was her turn to ask for a fee for her company's services, I was able to see how it's done right.

What I discovered:

1. Mental and emotional preparation are essential. I wasn't mentally prepared to negotiate something that moment, for whatever reason, and I had no idea what or how to pitch my service and fee. Sure, the assignment was impromptu and I'd normally be more prepared, but it's useful to remember what a poor mental or emotional state does to your negotiation: utter devastation.

2. Factual preparation is just as essential. What does the other side want? What do you have to offer? Bring all that to the table.

3. Pitching is a part of negotiating. Rather than just stating, "Hi, I'd like $200 for this service," I could have incanted, "This package includes A, B, C, D -- and A and B in particular are proven to help clients do Y and Z. Our competitors charge $250 and $300, so by choosing our $200 subscription you're getting the best deal out there." Sure, we had 3 minutes (i.e. barely enough time to say hello, let alone make a deal) -- but my partner built in a pitch long before she talked about price. She was persuasive, and she spent a chunk of time describing the benefits her services would bring my company. I was ready to hire her.

4. It's a lot easier the second time. We paired up again at the end of the course, after learning about some strategies, and that time I was prepared, I had a plan, and just as importantly perhaps, I had established a rapport with the other party. All that translated into more confidence and better communication skills.

5. Considering points 3 and 4, it makes a lot of sense to practice! Negotiate when it matters and negotiate when it doesn't.

6. You're never too experienced to keep learning. My partner introduced herself as a CEO. A CEO is taking a negotiation seminar with moi??!! She is already clearly a pro. Yet she knows there are areas she should strengthen. (My guess: that's exactly why she's a good negotiator: she never stops reaching.)

Though I started this post on a down note, I do have some good news to report: today I landed a client I really wanted. I asked for a certain compensation level and the client agreed without blinking an eye.

Pro: Charging the amount I did would have been unthinkable before I started this business six-months ago. Enough successes and enough failures at the rate negotiation table have finally paid off. I was confident when I priced the services and confident in our meeting. Double score.

Con: Given the quick assent, maybe I should have asked for more? After this course is over and I land future clients, I certainly shall.

[image 1 credit][image 2 credit]

52 reasons people don't ask

I had a conversation this weekend with an enlightened negotiator -- Vickie Pynchon, one of the teachers of the seminar I enrolled in which starts tomorrow. For some mystical reason our paths crossed a few months ago, and I've been grateful ever since.

By chance, she showed up in San Diego and we had a fantastic conversation over lunch.

She told me that in the seminar, she asks women to share the reason why they haven't negotiated a higher salary. Two of the myriad justifications she's heard: not having the right credentials and not being experienced enough. "Every woman has a different reason for why she's not worth more," she told me.

I thought about this long and hard over the past 24 hours, and I considered all the times over the years I've been reluctant to ask for more money during salary or rate negotiations. Thanks to this project, since 2008 I've gotten over that fear every time, but the derisive demon called Doubt still follows me to this day.

I also remembered the reasons people of both genders have given me, over the years, when I suggested they ask for a raise or negotiate hard during the job offer period.

As a result, I give you:

52 Reasons People Don't Ask

I'm not experienced enough

I'm experienced overall, but new at this industry/type of project/firm/market

I don't have the credentials

I have credentials, but they're not in this field

This isn't my niche/specialty

I'm too young

I'm too old

I really love this project/client/line of work

I like being generous and giving discounts

I'm not worth that much, who are we kidding

This job isn't really that hard

It's a down economy

It's a competitive industry

I don't know what to charge

I don't know I don't know what to charge

Salary never came up in the hiring conversation

The salary is advertised as $13, so why would I ask? Clearly that's what they can afford to pay

The HR manager who interviewed me said it's nonnegotiable

They told me take it or leave it

It's humiliating to ask

I have no practice

I have no one to practice with

Asking for too much money (or asking to pay too little in a purchase transaction) will compromise the deal

Asking is greedy

Asking is needy

Asking is selfish

The other party told me they can't afford more than X

The other party looks like they're on a budget

The other party is spending so much on rent, salaries, bills, they can't afford my services too

The other party is doing a public service, so asking for more is exploitation

The other party will pay me more later

I need to prove myself before asking for a better salary

Doing this type of work is good for my portfolio

Doing this type of work really helps people, so money is beside the point

I don't really 'need' this particular income if I have other cash coming in

It's just $3 an hour/$100 a month extra

I don't want to start off on the wrong foot

They're giving me a flexible start date/free parking, so I don't want to seem ungrateful

Vanessa/My sister/my coworker didn't ask and she's doing the same job

I saw the other bids and they're all lower

I really need this gig. No matter what

I wanted to ask but then I got too nervous

Asking for a raise will be easier

Next time

Whitney Johnson: "Fear."

IGC: "Afraid of getting fired for asking."

IGC: "Scared of my boss."

IGC: "I'm not really doing such great work."

ICG: "Company has a salary freeze."

Martha: I'm scared of more responsibility"

Martha: "I'm scared they will let me go next because they will see me as not committed and/or assume I am looking for a new job with more pay"

Priya: "Your boss asked for their own raise and was refused"

-----

Actually, those are 44 reasons. Can you help me come up with 8 more? Because, I dunno, 52 is a cool number. And especially because I want to tap into your wisdom! I'll add all contributions into the body of the post. Thanks to Whitney for being the first to speak up -- about fear. That's courageous! :)

Let's see what else we can come up with!?

-----

(PS: a subsequent collaborative post will be 52 responses to each of these flimsy reasons. Since this blog is about solutions, not whimpering. Yeehaw!)

[image credit]

Why don't people ask?

After the morning's emotional roller coaster, I headed to the Swan Oyster Depot for some TLC. Founded in 1912, this place is rumored to have the best damn chowder in the city, and after slurping down a bowl I have to agree.

There, I chatted with a lawyer -- and older woman wearing a faded Burberry coat who does prosecution litigation, whatever that is -- who, as we spoke, asked the cashier to pack away a few items to go. "I'll have a small portion of the sashimi, and can you give me just half a container of the seafood salad?" It sound like she was a regular, since she and all the staff were on a first name basis and she knew the menu by heart. It also sounded like she was holding back, trying to customize a smaller mix-and-match selection, either for financial or dietary reasons.

The man handed her a paper baggie with about five or six halves of items.

"That'll be $63.25."

I glanced at her, and she looked put off.

"Wow, Earnie, that's more than I wanted to spend, wow," she said. She reached into her wallet and found three $20 bills and some loose change and paid him.

She left evidently dissatisfied, but I get the feeling she'll be back in a few days or a week, ordering up a storm once again, and feeling like they overcharged.

I wonder why -- why doesn't she ask? Why doesn't she say, "Fellas, what can you fix up for $40?" or, laughing, "Earnie, you're killing me. I'm an old lady with a pacemaker. Do you really think I can afford $60 for two nights of dinner? Can we work something out or should I send you my hospital bill from this heart attack?" or even "How much is this going to cost me? (before he wraps it up to go, that is)." Instead, she seemed totally able to pay (the coat, the general air about her, even though I don't think she was rolling in dough); and totally unable to propose an alternative.

So tell me, dear reader:

What are the reasons you don't ask? Why do you think people might not, in general? Can you help me assemble a thorough list? I would like to address our findings in (a) future post(s). I'll start:

--fear of being rejected
--fear of bothering someone
--cultural factors, e.g.:
--generational/age factors, e.g.:
--mistaking the biker for the shadow, or vice versa
--not sure what I meant by that last one, but it sounded nice and I liked the picture
--
--
--

[image via flickr]

Caution to the wind

Here's the thing.

I asked for something major -- something that almost always leads to rejection.

And I can't tell you what!! I wish I could, but sometimes it's best to keep things private.

It's is a question that is nestled in the deepest overlap of my profession and my greatest passion. And if I report it here, well... I am not ready to give away that part of myself yet, to put it out in public. It is too fragile and too sacred. For now, at least, it is.

But I can write around it.

How and why did I ask for this today? Because I had no reason not to. For years I thought about it, wondered if I was ready, wondered if it was the right moment, and I kept coming back to the same two letters. Snide N, callous O. One poked me while the other laughed.

And then, Tuesday I simply asked. I didn't even think about it. Out of the blue, I took the necessary steps to formulate my question, approached the individual and pronounced the words.

There wasn't an ounce of fear. It was completely natural that I should ask for this, this way, and now. Imagine seeing your high school principal, the strict one who was kind of scary but always had your best interests at heart, at your grocery store. She retired and moved to your neighborhood. You're both just people now, and while she was and will always be formidable, you are finally tall enough to look her in the eye. You have earned the right to call her Judy.

As I write this two days after the fact, I am still waiting for an answer.

In the worst case, it will be a confirmation of what I've been telling myself all this time. At best, a new road will unfold before me and I will have proven the most fundamental tenet of asking: Don't close the door on yourself, don't reject yourself. You try, give it a shot, and let others do the rejecting. Asking is half the battle...

Sorry to get so metaphysical on you.

Perhaps, if I am blessed, I will have some concrete news to report.

And if not, back to business as usual. Which is fine by me! =)

[image via ffffound]

Choosing not to ask

Today I had two opportunities ripe for asking.

I passed them up.

I wasn't sacred or lazy, but I decided it was better not to. Read on, as I am curious to hear your opinion: Was I right? Should I have pushed those prices down, after all? When do you think it's better not to ask?

Here's the first situation:

After an ongoing battle with my bathtub drain, I caved and, once again, called a pro. He is my mom's contractor and an all around stellar person. I've know his family for years.

He charged $100 for a major unclogging job, which involved replacing fixtures, bringing out three snakes and fishing out a hairball that would make any cat tremble in terror.

I totally could have asked for a break. He's a friendly guy and a good business man. But I figured that so many people overcharge. The first plumber quoted me $187 for the simplest kind of procedure, and who knows how much this more complicated one would have cost. The plumber I ended up hiring for the first attempt, back in December, charged $50 and didn't solve anything. Now here was someone who got the job done. He took his time, he was thorough and determined, gave me advice for avoiding future clogs and charged what I believe to be a fair price, based on the two above cited rates.

Why not vote with my wallet, give him a signal I appreciate his fairness, by not asking him to reduce that price?

Now that I'm not asking absolutely daily anymore, I have the latitude to choose. And I'm liking it.

In fact, an hour later I did it again.

I drove to someone's house to pick up a set of drawers we desperately need in the bedroom. I've been looking for a while, but nothing was the right size, price or look. This one had it all. I spotted it on Craigslist the day before: antique, four drawers, a beautiful warm color, for $40.

I showed up, tested the drawers, asked about its history (it was the seller's as a boy, so it's at least 40, he said), and I said I'll take it.

"You said $40?" I checked.

"That's right," the man answered.

"Ok. I won't even try to haggle. I'm saying this because I always ask for discounts. I think you're the first person in years I haven't tried to negotiate with, on Craigslist. But I love it, it's exactly what I was looking for, the price is good, and it's just simpler that way."

"Ok."

Then things got a little tricky.

I started loading it in my car when it became clear it wasn't going to fit.

"Don't worry, I can play around with the seats or maybe stuff it in the trunk."

"Where do you live?" he asked.

I told him the neighborhood.

"You know what? I'll just load it into my truck and take it."

"What? No! That's not part of the deal." I offered to pay him more or still try to make it fit, and he answered he was eager to get rid of it and that was that. His wife was coming home in 20 minutes and they had to take off, so how about we left now so he could be back in time?

Yes, reader. He ended up packing it into his truck and making the half-hour round trip to leave it at my house. If you recall, something similar happened this summer, when I bought a massive bed frame and discovered it didn't fit inside my car. I didn't enter either situation hoping or expecting such help. Yet people stepped up.

Did this happen because I didn't negotiate and seemed generally stoked to buy the furniture he'd once loved but finally outgrew? Was it because I was a woman handling heavy lifting on her own? A combination?

I gave him a bottle of wine to say thanks.

This brings me back to a wistful thought I keep having: how nice it is when we don't have to ask, demand, threaten or implore. If salaries were even, if airlines didn't leave people trapped on runways, if prices and fees were reasonable, if people met their ends of bargains and didn't leave others hanging, if fees weren't levied for absurd reasons, if politicians were forthcoming and people were considerate and steaks were always cooked right and the like. Today I got a small taste of that. A day that ran smoothly without asking.

What a treat.

88 things I discovered

Findings from the hard data coming next. But first...

88 things I discovered in 365 days of asking

Feel free to send, email or reproduce this list. Just give credit to The Daily Asker and include a link to my blog.

And feel free to contribute your own insights to the list by adding comments below.

1. You seriously have nothing to lose by asking.

2. Actually, you have way more to lose by not asking.

3. Persisting pays off in direct and indirect ways.

4. Forming a habit of asking leads to unimagined opportunities and benefits.

5. You get more when you have high expectations.

6. People are amazingly generous.

7. People are playful and up for adventure.

8. Even prices printed in black ink are not set in stone.

9. Every price is its own form of request: "Will you pay X for Y?" Most people either pay up or walk away. The third, rarer, choice is negotiating.

10. Even if getting rejected seems scary or embarrassing, the worst sting lasts 3 seconds max -- and you grow stronger every time.

11. Asking others encourages you to ask yourself first: what do I want? what do I need?

12. Department stores are a challenge -- I never got a discount there, despite media buzz that they're cutting deals left and right; maybe I needed to buy bigger ticket items, or maybe I approached the wrong individuals. Oh well! There's always Year Two.

13. Craigslisters always rewarded my asking.

14. Small requests lead to bigger and better and bolder ones.

15. Being generous is lovely. Just not when you're giving your time or talents at an underpaid job.

16. Asking for a fair salary when the other party acts reluctant is tough.

17. Asking for a fair salary when you don't have a job is also really tough.

18. But both are so worth it. So research, practice and remember you are awesome.

19. If you can afford to do so, asking and failing is better than working a job where you're not paid enough, not respected or not meeting your potential. Tough times, bad economy, no work, but something to keep in mind for when things pick up and/or you do have some leeway.

20. Plan who you'll ask. Manager or employee? Marketing or finance department? What's your inroad to success?

21. Plan how you'll ask. Helpless or assertive? Persuasive or demanding? Flirty or professional? Switch midway if that's what it takes. This part of negotiating isn't an art or a science, it's human nature. Trust your gut.

22. Asking is not hard for all women. Some women are amazing askers!

23. According to my readers, asking is also hard for some men, immigrants, foreigner visitors, minorities.

24. It's easier to ask when you feel you have nothing to lose. That's obvious. But keeping that in mind, aim to translate that confidence into transactions where the outcome does matter.

25. No one but you cares if you ask and fail. In the wise words of one reader, "No one is watching you." Not the waiter, not the cashier, not the bouncer. Maybe the other insecure ninnies in line, and who cares about them? So don't let shyness hold you back.

26. Don't worry about exploiting the other side by asking. He or she can decline.

27. But remember there are cases where you have more power, status or income, and the other side feels compelled to comply.

28. A good test for how reasonable and fair your request is to ask yourself first, How would I react if the roles were reversed? Would I feel obligated to comply because I'm desperate? Assuming you're not Jeffrey Dahmer, that is.

29. Use empathy to identify with the other side -- and use that to your advantage.

30. What struck me as a big request or favor was quite likely inconsequential or even entertaining to who I asked.

31. On the other hand, in more complicated situations don't assume you know the other side's motives or intentions. Try to find out, but never assume.

32. Libraries are hard places to ask. Especially at my grad school!!!

33. Asking someone to stop doing something is less often successful than asking someone to start.

34. Surround yourself with good people -- people who reward asking, questioning, venturing, seeking. Open minded and ambitious people.

35. Sounding apologetic is the easiest way to ensure failure. Act like you own the place, or like you're best friends with the person you're asking!

36. You get more by courtesy and flattery than by demanding or complaining.

37. People rarely ask back. That means they are missing their own opportunities. So if you get asked, and want to maximize your position, try asking back. ("Can I have this for 10 percent off" "How about 5 percent?" That type of reply was very rare.)

38. Study and mimic the manners and methods of effective askers and negotiators.

39. Mine experienced askers and negotiators for info, advice, techniques.

40. Speaking of mimicking, one strategy during a negotiation is to copy the other side's lingo. "That rate is too high." "Well, I'm afraid it's too low."

41. Another strategy for getting a low price on services, travel, etc is pitting competitors against one another and asking for the best bid.

42. Another strategy is to advocate for your goal as an optimized solution for both parties. This is one rational, cerebral version of persuasion.

43. Emotional and pleading persuasion is also effective under the right circumstances.

44. Sometimes you should simply tell, not ask. "I'm taking my lunch break," not "Can I take my lunch break?" Don't give someone the opportunity to say no.

45. If you doubt yourself while asking, you'll probably fail. The other party can sense you don't believe the query is worthwhile and it becomes much easier to say no.

46. People ask a lot more frequently than they realize -- so it's not a big stretch to make it a routine or ask more adventurously.

47. It's easier to ask on behalf of other people, harder to ask for yourself. Hmm... maybe having a partner in crime is a good approach. You ask for him/her, and vice versa. Something to test out in Year Two...

48. Some of the best requests and results were impromptu -- which suggests that asking just for the hell of it has its own big merit.

49. One more strategy is letting the "askee" come up with a solution. You ask vaguely, "How can I work around this fee?" and he will offer the very solution you wanted. But it's his initiative, not your demand. Makes him more eager to want to help.

50. Also helps to put yourself on a team with the person you're asking. "What are we going to do about this?" as opposed to "How will you fix my problem?"

51. Anyone can ask. You don't need to be a consumer advocate or reporter or public official to get what you want. I never said I was a blogger, never said anything about any publicity producing powers I may have, and people still agreed, gave, complied.

52. The internet is full of resources for finding people at the top and planting your request strategically. A few favorites: The Consumerist's tips, cached email addresses (by messing around on Google), and directories like cogmap.

53. In a year of asking, NO ONE was cruel when turning me down. No one said "How dare you ask! Loser! Mooch! Greedy bitch!" People acted surprised, at most snooty, but no one insulted me or my ancestors. So at the very worst, whether I was rejected by someone kind or condescending, I ended up exactly where I had been before asking.

54. On the other hand, what's wrong with being unpopular? I have stood up for myself more this year, stood up for more others, and demanded respect in ways I never imagined I would or could, until now.

55. Being a good asker might make you sensitive to when other people could be asking, but aren't. This can be valuable information, both for self centered and altruistic purposes.

56. It costs approximately $983 to cater a wedding for approximately 75 people, with organic food, not counting the roast suckling pig. Just food costs, that is. Labor and service are extra.

57. When stomping on an assailant's foot, use your heel, not the ball of the foot.

58. When breaking during a game of pool, lean in and follow through. Don't just snap the cue, thrust it.

59. Don't trust Italian elevators.

60. Berenger's Private Reserve Chardonnay, 2007, tastes like chicken soup, with an afterwhiff of creme brulee.

61. Cwm is a small Welsh valley. That, and pa and mo and el and yean and toea are Scrabble-approved words.

62. My new favorite cheese: Tome à l'ancienne. Quote from Day 298: "Made in Provence, by farmers, in their kitchens. Totally unpasteurized. Totally exquisite. A gooey disk of bliss."

63. A gas station in Maine serves the best cheesesteak sandwiches on the planet.

64. Ikea's return policy sucks.

65. Excel is my friend.

66. Rules are, quite often, askings of their own. Credit card minimum? Exit only? No return without a receipt? Ask, persuade, and very likely you'll end up on the insider's club.

67. Asking is an easy way to make your life a lot easier. Delegate, ask for a raincheck, request an extension, an exception, a shortcut. Optimize, prioritize. In any case, nothing to lose by trying.

68. One approach to simplifying through asking is to group together frequent tasks or multiple frequent purchases and try to get a discount or favor. Buy coffee every day? Ask for a monthly discount. Have a regular dry cleaning errand? Ask for a bulk rate and go more rarely. Save time and money.

69. The savings from mini-requests add up over time. Bargaining every weekend at the farmer's market will pay off financially, and it's good training.

70. Know your BAFTA before setting out in any negotiation.

71. Not everyone gives expecting something in return. It's okay to take, without immediately saying, "How can I repay you?" Maybe you'll pay back later, or simply pay it forward...

72. With some people, you never have to ask -- they give of their own accord. Remember those people. Remember to thank them. And be just as generous with them and others.

73. Speaking of those people, my family and friends are awesome. This is not really a discovery -- just a reminder. Thank you, everyone!!

74. Get over the guilt of asking.

75. There's a big gap between greediness and staking your fair claim. Study it, reflect on it, and be sure to stay on the right side. If it's a gray zone, get advice.

76. To quote one of my readers quoting Spike Lee, do the right thing. Only ask in a setting where you'd like to be asked -- not when the other party is desperate for your services, or where your gain would impoverish or hurt someone else.

77. It's okay to stumble and try again. I sometimes saved money by calling or coming back and renegotiating. Not ideal, not exactly elegant, but it worked out okay.

78. Walking away from a negotiation if you don't get your optimal result is awesome. It works. And, makes you feel like a badass!!

79. Don't be afraid to be enthusiastic when negotiating or asking. If you're aloof, playing it cool, the other party might think you're not impressed and lower the price. But he or she might also assume you're not interested and not invest the energy (or discount) to persuade you.

80. Show the other party what's in it for them -- maybe you'll be a more frequent customer, or refer people, or (a more subtle approach) flatter them into teaching you their skill or showing your their secret. Make it about the giver, not the asker.

81. Use your cell phone or laptop aggressively. Check for coupon codes, online discounts and the like, and apply them on the phone, online or at the cash register.

82. When it doubt, at any transaction, give asking a try. "Do you have any special promotions today?" saved me a bunch, over the year. $2 here and there add up.

83. Frequent asking increases chances of a potential whammy, like my airfare vouchers.

84. Asking for career advice, contacts and networking works the same way: give it a try, make it a habit, and see the dividends add up over time.

85. If you're flexible, you can save money (in the U.S., at least) by shopping late in the day -- farmers markets, estate sales and the like are eager to unload their stuff, so you have more bargaining power.

86. Asking is exhilarating.

87. Asking is contagious.

88. Asking is addictive.

Fear of asking... and free fajitas!

December 28. Day 181.

Leah Day discussed fear of asking in a comment Friday:

I plan to start asking questions immediately, starting with this one:

Do you ever deal with feelings of fear when asking questions? Has
anyone ever attacked you for asking for something?

Those two questions are a great place to start thinking about asking. First of all, no one has ever attacked me, rebuked me or given me anything more than attitude. And attitude is what I get just as frequently if I don't ask. In fact, I truly didn't expect people to be so open, friendly, generous, engaged, or up for anything. Especially when it comes to welcoming me into their world or showing me something new. If I was cynical, I might think they're flattered by my interest. But I rather believe they are ready and willing to share.

In financial, commercial or other transactional contexts, where I get turned down a fair amount, I suspect people simply don't need to be cruel or mean to refuse. They've mastered a different art: saying no. They've gotten so good at it that they know to blame "the manager," "the owner," "how things are" -- while keeping that permasmile on their lips. They've discovered the power of these five words: Sorry, I can't do that. (The only exception are two library guards at my graduate school, who are sadistic in their denials. See here and here. They're on par with Eastern European customs officials, and I've dealt with my share of those!)

My own fears and inhibitions are another thing. Of course I've been nervous. Asking for the raise was probably scariest, because a) I'd never done it before, and b) I felt I had something to lose. My career, unlike a discount on a skirt, matters. What if he viewed me as inconsiderate or ungrateful? But what if I sounded too sheepish or childish, and he lost some respect for me? I wrote out a script and imagined all sorts of possible responses, just to build up the courage to make the call. And my pulse was racing as I formed the words aloud.

Another occasional concern is how people I know will judge me. What if your friend thinks you're greedy or pushy or weird for asking her, or someone else? Strangers I could care less, as long as I know I've been courteous and fair; but with friends and family, I don't want to be repetitively pushy, or drag them along or waste their time as I try to negotiate, if they're not interested.

But perhaps I'm not frightened enough. Perhaps I should be taking more risks -- bargaining harder, or pushing more boundaries. Perhaps if I want a real challenge, I'll open it up to readers with poll: What should Roxy ask for? And go with the most popular, or most controversial, asking. Hmmm...

Today is actually a good example of getting over fear of judgement.

I went to Taco Palenque, the best Mexican restaurant on the planet. I'll probably lose my San Diego residency for saying this, but McAllen wins.

I noticed a young man wearing a kitchen apron standing in the dining area, so I sprang out of my seat and asked him if he could share any fajita making tips. (Ok, it wasn't that abrupt. First I told him I love this place, come here sometimes straight from the airport, nothing like it anywhere else.) He said he'll bring the manager. Immedately, I could sense my stepmother was squirming. It was her hometown, a restaurant she frequents, and perhaps she felt I was taking up people's time for a silly or self-indulgent purpose, or coming in and calling attention to our table.

The manager explained that the spices come from their supplier premixed, but that if I want good fajitas at home, all I really need is salt and lemon. No marinade, no preboiling, no fancy tricks. Just sprinkle and grill over low heat. He invited me to the kitchen and showed me how it's done (minus secret ingredients, unfortunately).

I thanked him, and when I sat down again, he returned to our table with a $10 certificate.

Gained: A free fajita plate. Muchissimas gracias, Felipe!

Fraid to ask? Fake it till you make it. (And, a retail bust.)

November 3. Day 126.

Mr. A called a little after noon today with a mission: Dry clean his suit and buy him a blazer or whatever else is necessary for a business look, since he's taking off for a week-long conference in Prague and has been consumed by deadlines and would I mind helping him with this?

Of course not!

I looked in his closet and made a mental list of what would fill in the blanks -- a black blazer? A warm jacket to face the Bohemian autumn? A white or soft blue shirt, but not in a boring "Dockers" cornflower shade. Maybe something in bordeaux, since it's a color that looks great on him. And everything had to be comfortable. He detests ties.

I glanced online to learn about collars and pleats, because frankly, what do I know about menswear? I can recognize a well dressed man. I greatly enjoy recognizing a well dressed men. Whenever Mr. A is said man, paradoxically, I quickly want to change his status from dressed to its opposite.

My male fashion expertise stops there.

At Nordstrom Rack, I got some advice from shoppers and a salesman. What to look for in a shirt in terms of quality. How long pants should be. What's comfy but crisp. The benefits of wrinkle free.

As I started pulling out some shirts and checking them against the jackets I chose, an unexpected feeling crept up on me: embarassment! I started imagining what the guys around me were thinking. "She must be the controlling type." "She won't even let her boyfriend pick his own tie." "I bet she lays out his outfits every night."

I wanted to shout back. "But he asked me to!! He's working overtime and I love shopping! I'm not his mother! I'm his girlfriend! Just look at my purple suede heels, which I selected before heading out today to send you a subtle message about what an individualist I am!

"I wear purple!!

"I believe in the freedom of fashion!!!"

Of course, it was all in my head. Everybody I talked to was unperturbed by my presence. Friendly, even. One guy around my age exclaimed, "He gets a personal shopper? Nice!" An older man: "I wish my wife shopped for me, but she refuses to."

Which brings me, in a roundabout way, to a word I've been thinking about today: Expert.

Being an expert in something -- be it menswear, purple pumps, quantum game theory or shopping cart ergodynamics -- isn't just something your earn by studying or practicing. It entails being publicly comfortable with your exceptional knowledge in an area. It's entails representing that area. It's membership, it's access, it's entitlement. It also comes with certain responsibilities.

In any case, you have to claim that status. Some people claim it without working for it. Others do the opposite. I believe they should go hand in hand. But, I realized today that I'm unfailingly shy to profess expertise, or even experience -- because I don't want to benefit from the corresponding access, entitlement, acknowledgement. It's costed me professionally, intellectually, socially.

People in the shirt aisle weren't judging me negatively; I was doing that on my own. I was excluding myself from the circle of people who should shop for men's clothes. I decided, essentially, that I was intruding in an area I shouldn't be an expert in. Yet, no one else thought to question my place there!

And that makes me wonder: how often do I close doors? "I don't know much about that subject, so I'll keep quiet." "I'm not experienced in that, so why don't you two do whatever makes you happy?" "You're the expert, so whatever you think is best!" Etc, etc, etc. It's safe, it's deferential, it seems to be better for the system. And it's a strategy I've adoped too frequently in the past. But maybe the decision makers weren't more qualified; they just had louder voices, more swagger, or a greater opinion of their abilities.

When it comes to asking, I think my new approach is going to be: "Fake it till you make it." Act like an expert in negotiation, until I become one. For minor requests, I know I'll probably get them, so I'm already fearless. But what about the big ones?

For Mr. A's purchases, I asked for a discount at the cash register, at two stores. But I was shy. I seemed unconvinced. And I was flatly rejected.

"We don't do that here."

"You can get discounts at department stores, not here."

Gained: A refinement to my strategy. My new goal isn't just to ask, but to ask expecting to hear yes, even when I secretly think the answer will be no. With each new type of challenge, I must present myself like I've asked for that 100 times. Believe in yes.