88 things I discovered

Findings from the hard data coming next. But first...

88 things I discovered in 365 days of asking

Feel free to send, email or reproduce this list. Just give credit to The Daily Asker and include a link to my blog.

And feel free to contribute your own insights to the list by adding comments below.

1. You seriously have nothing to lose by trying.

2. Actually, you have way more to lose by not trying.

3. Persisting pays off in direct and indirect ways.

4. Forming a habit of asking leads to unimagined opportunities and benefits.

5. You get more when you have high expectations.

6. People are amazingly generous.

7. People are playful and up for adventure.

8. Even prices printed in black ink are not set in stone.

9. Every price is its own form of request: "Will you pay X for Y?" Most people either pay up or walk away. The third, rarer, choice is negotiating.

10. Even if getting rejected seems scary or embarrassing, the worst sting lasts 3 seconds max -- and you grow stronger every time.

11. Asking others encourages you to ask yourself first: what do I want? what do I need?

12. Department stores are a challenge -- I never got a discount there, despite media buzz that they're cutting deals left and right; maybe I needed to buy bigger ticket items, or maybe I approached the wrong individuals. Oh well! There's always Year Two.

13. Craigslisters always rewarded my asking.

14. Small requests lead to bigger and better and bolder ones.

15. Being generous is lovely. Just not when you're giving your time or talents at an underpaid job.

16. Asking for a fair salary when the other party acts reluctant is tough.

17. Asking for a fair salary when you don't have a job is also really tough.

18. But both are so worth it. So research, practice and remember you are awesome.

19. If you can afford to do so, asking and failing is better than working a job where you're not paid enough, not respected or not meeting your potential. Tough times, bad economy, no work, but something to keep in mind for when things pick up and/or you do have some leeway.

20. Plan who you'll ask. Manager or employee? Marketing or finance department? What's your inroad to success?

21. Plan how you'll ask. Helpless or assertive? Persuasive or demanding? Flirty or professional? Switch midway if that's what it takes. This part of negotiating isn't an art or a science, it's human nature. Trust your gut.

22. Asking is not hard for all women. Some women are amazing askers!

23. According to my readers, asking is also hard for some men, immigrants, foreigner visitors, minorities.

24. It's easier to ask when you feel you have nothing to lose. That's obvious. But keeping that in mind, aim to translate that confidence into transactions where the outcome does matter.

25. No one but you cares if you ask and fail. In the wise words of one reader, "No one is watching you." Not the waiter, not the cashier, not the bouncer. Maybe the other insecure ninnies in line, and who cares about them? So don't let shyness hold you back.

26. Don't worry about exploiting the other side by asking. He or she can decline.

27. But remember there are cases where you have more power, status or income, and the other side feels compelled to comply.

28. A good test for how reasonable and fair your request is to ask yourself first, How would I react if the roles were reversed? Would I feel obligated to comply because I'm desperate? Assuming you're not Jeffrey Dahmer, that is.

29. Use empathy to identify with the other side -- and use that to your advantage.

30. What struck me as a big request or favor was quite likely inconsequential or even entertaining to who I asked.

31. On the other hand, in more complicated situations don't assume you know the other side's motives or intentions. Try to find out, but never assume.

32. Libraries are hard places to ask. Especially at my grad school!

33. Asking someone to stop doing something is less often successful than asking someone to start.

34. Surround yourself with good people -- people who reward asking, questioning, venturing, seeking. Open minded and ambitious people.

35. Sounding apologetic is the easiest way to ensure failure. Act like you own the place, or like you're best friends with the person you're asking!

36. You get more by courtesy and flattery than by demanding or complaining.

37. People rarely ask back. That means they are missing their own opportunities. So if you get asked, and want to maximize your position, try asking back. ("Can I have this for 10 percent off" "How about 5 percent?" That type of reply was very rare.)

38. Study and mimic the manners and methods of effective askers and negotiators.

39. Mine experienced askers and negotiators for info, advice, techniques.

40. Speaking of mimicking, one strategy during a negotiation is to copy the other side's lingo. "That rate is too high." "Well, I'm afraid it's too low."

41. Another strategy for getting a low price on services, travel, etc is pitting competitors against one another and asking for the best bid.

42. Another strategy is to advocate for your goal as an optimized solution for both parties. This is one rational, cerebral version of persuasion.

43. Emotional and pleading persuasion is also effective under the right circumstances.

44. Sometimes you should simply tell, not ask. "I'm taking my lunch break," not "Can I take my lunch break?" Don't give someone the opportunity to say no.

45. If you doubt yourself while asking, you'll probably fail. The other party can sense you don't believe the query is worthwhile and it becomes much easier to say no.

46. People ask a lot more frequently than they realize -- so it's not a big stretch to make it a routine or ask more adventurously.

47. It's easier to ask on behalf of other people, harder to ask for yourself. Hmm... maybe having a partner in crime is a good approach. You ask for him/her, and vice versa. Something to test out in Year Two...

48. Some of the best requests and results were impromptu -- which suggests that asking just for the hell of it has its own big merit.

49. One more strategy is letting the "askee" come up with a solution. You ask vaguely, "How can I work around this fee?" and he will offer the very solution you wanted. But it's his initiative, not your demand. Makes him more eager to want to help.

50. Also helps to put yourself on a team with the person you're asking. "What are we going to do about this?" as opposed to "How will you fix my problem?"

51. Anyone can ask. You don't need to be a consumer advocate or reporter or public official to get what you want. I never said I was a blogger, never said anything about any publicity producing powers I may have, and people still agreed, gave, complied.

52. The internet is full of resources for finding people at the top and planting your request strategically. A few favorites: The Consumerist's tips, cached email addresses (by messing around on Google), and directories like cogmap.

53. In a year of asking, NO ONE was cruel when turning me down. No one said "How dare you ask! Loser! Mooch! Greedy bitch!" People acted surprised, at most snooty, but no one insulted me or my ancestors. So at the very worst, whether I was rejected by someone kind or condescending, I ended up exactly where I had been before asking.

54. On the other hand, what's wrong with being unpopular? I have stood up for myself more this year, stood up for more others, and demanded respect in ways I never imagined I would or could, until now.

55. Being a good asker might make you sensitive to when other people could be asking, but aren't. This can be valuable information, both for self centered and altruistic purposes.

56. It costs approximately $984 to cater a wedding for approximately 40 people, with organic food, not counting the roast suckling pig.

57. When stomping on an assailant's foot, use your heel, not the ball of the foot.

58. When breaking during a game of pool, lean in and follow through. Don't just snap the cue, thrust it.

59. Don't trust Italian elevators.

60. Berenger's Private Reserve Chardonnay, 2007, tastes like chicken soup, with an afterwhiff of creme brulee.

61. Cwm is a small Welsh valley. That, and pa and mo and el and yean and toea are Scrabble-approved words.

62. My new favorite cheese: Tome à l'ancienne. Quote from Day 298: "Made in Provence, by farmers, in their kitchens. Totally unpasteurized. Totally exquisite. A gooey disk of bliss."

63. A gas station in Maine serves the best cheesesteak sandwiches on the planet.

64. Ikea's return policy sucks.

65. Excel is my friend.

66. Rules are, quite often, askings of their own. Credit card minimum? Exit only? No return without a receipt? Ask, persuade, and very likely you'll end up on the insider's club.

67. One approach to simplifying through asking is to group together frequent tasks or multiple frequent purchases and try to get a discount or favor. Buy coffee every day? Ask for a monthly discount. Even if it's off the books. Go to the same dry cleaner? Ask for a bulk rate and go more rarely. Save time and money. ETC.

68. The savings from mini-requests add up over time. Bargaining every weekend at the farmer's market will pay off financially, and it's good training.

69. Know your BAFTA before setting out in any negotiation.

70. Asking is an easy way to make your life a lot easier. Delegate, ask for a raincheck, request an extension, an exception, a shortcut. Optimize, prioritize. In any case, nothing to lose by trying.

71. Not everyone gives expecting something in return. It's okay to take, without immediately saying, "How can I repay you?" Maybe you'll pay back later, or simply pay it forward...

72. With some people, you never have to ask -- they give of their own accord. Remember those people. Remember to thank them. And be just as generous with them and others.

73. Speaking of those people, my family and friends are awesome. This is not really a discovery -- just a reminder. Thank you, everyone!!

74. Get over the guilt of asking.

75. There's a big gap between greediness and staking your fair claim. Study it, reflect on it, and be sure to stay on the right side. If it's a gray zone, get advice.

76. To quote one of my readers quoting Spike Lee, do the right thing. Only ask in a setting where you'd like to be asked -- not when the other party is desperate for your services, or where your gain would impoverish or hurt someone else.

77. It's okay to stumble and try again. I sometimes saved money by calling or coming back and renegotiating. Not ideal, not exactly elegant, but it worked out okay.

78. Walking away from a negotiation if you don't get your optimal result is awesome. It works. And, makes you feel like a badass!!

79. Don't be afraid to be enthusiastic when negotiating or asking. If you're aloof, playing it cool, the other party might think you're not impressed and lower the price. But he or she might also assume you're not interested and not invest the energy (or discount) to persuade you.

80. Show the other party what's in it for them -- maybe you'll be a more frequent customer, or refer people, or (a more subltle approach) flatter them into teaching you their skill or showing your their secret. Make it about the giver, not the asker.

81. Use your cell phone or laptop aggressively. Check for coupon codes, online discounts and the like, and apply them on the phone, online or at the cash register.

82. When it doubt, at any transaction, give asking a try. "Do you have any special promotions today?" saved me a bunch, over the year. $2 here and there add up.

83. Frequent asking increases chances of a potential whammy, like my airfare vouchers.

84. Asking for career advice, contacts and networking works the same way: give it a try, make it a habit, and see the dividends add up over time.

85. If you're flexible, you can save money (in the U.S., at least) by shopping late in the day -- farmers markets, estate sales and the like are eager to unload their stuff, so you have more bargaining power.

86. Asking is exhilarating.

87. Asking is contagious.

88. Asking is addictive.

BANG

Miracles do happen.

My last asking for this year involves something I NEVER would have imagined doing last July.

I....

Hold on.

Let's backtrack.

Before this unexpected evening, I completed my first request for the day by asking something for someone else.

A friend called me for some travel advice. She is on a very strict budget, but wants to buy a plane ticket for her son so he could be with them when the husband/father turns 50 around Labor Day. This man just had a heart attack, so the whole family is excited to finally be together for this milestone.

Could I help her look online to book a supercheap ticket?

I checked a few sites, but it didn't look good. Prices are lower than last year, but not low enough.

So instead of giving her airline or website recommendations, I did something a little more extreme.

With her permission, I wrote an email to one of the airlines that services their two cities and asked for a discount or courtesy ticket.

I know this woman is in debt, and she really shouldn't put this on her credit card.

So maybe, maybe, maybe, the airline will agree to lower the cost.

Before I could write to any more airlines, she called and said she put the flight on her card after all, because she didn't want to risk a "no" and miss the last available seats at the lowest price.

Gained I: Tried to help. Didn't work out as I'd hoped. Glad the family will be together that weekend anyway.

As for tonight.

I was sitting at my dining room table, alone.

Tabulating the data from this year of inquiries.

Mr. A is in LA for a conference. The house seemed really empty.

And I was a little down.

It was not how I imagined I'd be spending the last night of asking.

Inviting myself to drive someone's cool car? Maybe.
Crashing someone's party? Why not.
Asking a pastry chef for his awesome banana bread pudding recipe? Yum.

But crunching numbers seemed like such a... whimper, not a bang.

Then the phone rang.

"What are you up to?"

It was Jem.

"Nothing much. How are you?"

"Good! I'm calling to see if you want to go to dajin."

"Where's that?"

"The gym."

"Did you say G-Y-M?"

"Yeah! The K-meister just got me a membership and we're on our way over."

"Really. Mmm, I'm not sure I have time.... I'm sort of busy..."

"They have a pool, and a sauna! Come on!"

"Really?"

I weighed the two alternatives: Sit home alone and stare at the wall. Or meet some friends for a workout.

"If I come, can we hang out after too? Get a drink or dinner?"

"I would love to."

Half an hour later I was on a stationary bike, watching CNN.

The place wasn't half bad.

Clean.

Good music.

Badminton courts, unlimited yoga. Stuff I'd vaguely considered looking into. One day.

On the way out, I stopped by the membership desk. The girl told me there is no signup fee -- today only -- and no cancellation fee, ever.

So I signed up myself and Mr. A.

But not before asking for -- and getting -- a free month.

Gained II: 3 months for the price of 2. Value: $30.

Did I sufficiently tantalize you? When you read that gooey first line, about miracles, did you expect I'd say I knocked on the door of the White House or asked Steve Jobs about his surgery or begged my grad school for an expedited PhD?

Well, until tonight, any of those possibilities struck me as more feasible than La Roxy joining a gym!!!

I crave sunlight, not elliptical machines.

But so be it.

So that's that.

365 days.

Done!

Poof!

Finito!

Results and revelations coming soon. But first I'm taking a break.

Until we meet again,

xoxo,

La Roxy

Free stock?

June 29. Day 364.

I decided to wrap things up on this second to last daily asking by revisiting a request I'd contemplated in the past but never got around to doing.

Back in October, it occurred to me to write to a bunch of companies, asking for one free stock from each. I didn't end up doing it, because I wondered how to phrase the letter and I worried it would be a shot in the dark, and a waste of time.

Well, now that I've been at this for almost a year, I know for a fact that trying is worthwhile.

Even when I was sure the other party would say no, I often got a resounding YES.

So... gotta try.

Today I wrote a letter -- a good, old fashioned paper letter -- to one company.

At first, I planned on writing to a bunch -- maybe 20, or even 50 or 100. Maximize my chances at success. But as I wrote this first letter, I realized there are few firms I could address convincingly. I mean, "Please give me a stock," is one thing, but "Please give me a stock because I really believe in your products today and your direction for the future" is another.

I've narrowed down the list to about 15 companies based on these criteria. For today, I'm sending this one off.

I'm not going to publish my letter until I hear back. But here's the gist of what I wrote:

--Love your company for reasons xyz.
--Would like invest in your company but I'm an indigent grad student now
--I decided what the hell, why not just ask for a stock?

Also, I vowed at the start of this project that I would not use my blogger "status" to get any benefits. All year I have asked as regular Roxy, not someone who can influence public opinion. I stuck to this rule to the end, or it would throw off the experiment.

Investment: two hours of researching companies and individuals and writing the letter.

Potential gain: Hmm. Around $5,000 if all the companies say yes. About $25 if this first one agrees. (Based on today's prices.)

BRING IT ON!!!!!

Results? You'll be the first to know!

Second, I posted a request on HARO, a cool service that connects writers, reporters, and bloggers with sources. I asked people to tell me their own stories about asking. Also requested to interview people who get asked a lot because of their professions. Over time, I'll start featuring their specialized advice, tips, and tricks.

The request still stands -- anyone with stories or strategies related to asking or negotiation, send them in!! I'm thedailyasker [at] gmail [dot] com.

Gained: Hopefully, tons of stories and insights. Material to kick off Year Two!

TWO DAYS LEFT!!!

June 28. Day 363.

I can't believe it's almost over!! I wrote Day 363 as if it were day 63. Unreal.

In a recent comment, IGC asked if I have any plans this week.

Nothing you can see immediately, but stuff is happening behind the scenes.

Starting July 1, I'm going to publish an analysis of all the data I've collected. I've been correlating and analyzing all weekend. Because this is indeed an experiment, a study, my goal was to understand more about how gender and other factors influence success rates in asking and negotiation.

Was I more successful in asking men or women?
Were people in New York or Milan more likely to indulge my request?
Was I more nervous when I asked alone or in a group, and when was I more successful?
And did I obtain more when inquiring on my behalf, or when asking for someone else?

That is a sample of the info you'll get.

I'm also finalizing a new website, which should be up in a week or so. It will be. Much. More. Informative. Interactive. Intriguing.

Meanwhile, you can help me in one way.

GET THE WORD OUT!!!

The year is almost over. And the more people that read this last week, the better!

Email my link to classmates, peers, reporters, researchers. Anyone interested in the results of a 365 day study about asking, gender, negotiation, persuasion.

Tweet and retweet the hell out of this post.

Send it to Facebook and beyond.

Post it to any blog or webpage about a possibly related subject.

Send me your comments or emails with what you've asked for over the course of this project, what questions it has left you with, or what you'd like to see in Year Two. I'll post everything!

And thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks to everyone who participated, read, wrote in, advised, asked, answered, or shared!!!!!!!

PS: Today, I asked Mr. A a question. A private, gossipy, nonbloggable question. Something about someone I was itching to find out.

Gained I: a cryptic answer... but cryptic good, not cryptic bad. =)

I also asked a cashier to give a friend a discount on a damaged shirt that costs $100, and he said no. Tsk tsk tsk, Nordsrom Rack.

Gained II: Nothing.

The end is near!!!

June 27. Day 362.

Today Mr. A celebrated his birthday with a picnic in the park, surrounded by friends and fam.

I was in charge of decorating and catering, so I called our favorite Thai place to see if they could handle an order for 15 people this afternoon.

The man on the phone said yes.

I hung up and said I'd call him back once I read the menu online.

When I called back, I realized I'd forgotten to ask!

"Since we're doing a big order, how about you give me 10 percent off."

"Fine."

The order came to around $80 something, including tax.

Gained: Around $9. In retrospect, he agreed to my request too fast. Maybe I should have let him make an offer, or aimed bigger. Oh well. Still $9.

And, an update from yesterday: I called the mother back after not hearing from her, and asked if she had time to think about my request.

She replied she wouldn't hire me at the higher rate.

I asked and lost.

And yet... I am glad I asked.

I am in not in rush to find a job, and I am confident there are better options if I look harder. That was the first attempt.

Now, if this recession keeps up, or I don't find something by graduation, I will change my tune. But right now, I feel I made the right choice.

Ultimately, I feel that not asking would have been more costly than losing the job.

That's a mantra I need to take with me, for the next time around.

Renegotiate salary? Put up a flyer here?

June 26. Day 361.

I had the mother's number on speed dial. Two days ago, she offered a job tutoring her three kids. We negotiated the salary. And since then, I've been conflicted.

PRO:
--it's money
--it can lead to future contacts

CON:
--hourly rate is much lower than what I earned at the beginning of grad school
--i've since added credentials and experience
--the job is too many hours per week given I need to finish dissertation
--i'd be driving almost 40 miles round trip, with little compensation

Ultimately, I decided to play out this asking experiment as far as I could. See if I could be successful in asking, one last round.

I took a small risk by assuming there are more tutoring jobs out there, but I felt safe doing so because it's summer. If she said no, I would lose the job offer. If she said yes, I would obtain my lowest target of an extra $10 per hour -- or $540 over the course of the summer. It was still far below what I know I should be earning, but as a first tutoring job in this city I can take a pay cut, until other clients start rolling in. (And/or I finish my dissertation and get a real job.)

Plus, this rate is a compromise between my target and feeling like a total pushover.

I dialed her number. She picked up.

"Hello? This is La Roxy, how are you?"

"Hello! Good, thank you. You?"

"Great. Do you have a moment to talk?"

"Yes, now is good."

"Thank you. I was thinking about our salary discussion on Wednesday, and I've come to the conclusion that if I factor in preparation time, grading papers, plus travel, that brings my rate to around $25 per hour. I was wondering if you would be willing to pay $50 per hour, or $75 per session, instead of $60 per session. That would ensure my time is compensated fairly."

My voice was steady. It felt great to be asking.

"I need to think about it."

Gained I: Unsure.

Next, I headed to a nearby library to put up a flyer about tutoring. I asked where the bulletin board is, and the librarian told me only community groups can use it.

Gained II: wasted 10 minutes.

Best apartment rate? And some much needed advice?

June 25. Day 360.

My dad and stepmom are going to France, and they asked me to help them book a hotel or apartment. They're on a tight budget, and they want a kitchen, so I went for the Craigslist approach.

Rather than query 20 apartment renters separately, I opted for a more efficient approach. I grouped together all the listings that matched most of my criteria and sent a mass email.

Hello,

I am interested in renting a studio apartment for 10 days between the dates of July 11 or 12, and July 21 or 22.

It is for my father and stepmother. (They are unfamiliar with Craigslist, so I offered to help them find something.)

Their budget for 10 days is around 250 euros per week. They would pay cash at the beginning.

Is your apartment available in that period?

If so, would you please email me a photo of the bed, bathroom and kitchen, or give a website where these items are clearly visible. Also please tell me the address, and list the name(s) of the nearest metro stop(s)? Finally, if it is on the 4th floor or higher, is there a lift?

If it is occupied then, it is available at any later time? They may be able to shift their vacation to August instead.

Merci, bien a vous,

La Roxy

Got some answers with prices around my target. Yay.

Bon voyage!

Next, I asked for advice about yesterday's job offer. I got a tutoring gig that pays $40 per hour, or around $25 factoring in travel time and preparation.

I asked three people their input and they were unanimous: Don't take the job.

Mr. A said I need to be writing my dissertation, and the last months are the most grueling. He knows. He's been there. He also reminded me that I don't NEED NEED the money. If I couldn't cover the rent or had a family to feed it was one thing. But I have the basics taken care of. Do I really want to drive across the city just to pay for coffee? Isn't there a better job out there? What's the rush?

Eau, my friend in DC who visited a few months ago, who previously advised my sister to demand better pay in a similar situation, said I should be charging way more given I almost have a PhD from a top school and I've been tutoring for 15 years. I stammered it's tough times, people can't afford to pay a lot these days, and she listed half a dozen friends with less experience who are earning at least triple what I am charging. Ouch.

My grandma told me to skip the job and be a student. Then apply for jobs with all my might. But don't do things half way.

I think they all had good points. So my instincts were right -- I way undersold myself. I'm still thinking about it, but I'm leaning toward calling her back and either asking for more money, or turning it down entirely...

Gained: A preliminary room in Paris for my dad and stepmom. And advice from The Three Wisepersons.