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November 18, 2008

A confession

November 18. Day 141.

I have a confession. If the prose seems a little deflated these days, if what I asking for seems a little dull, it's because that's how I'm feeling.

I'm starting to wonder if I can make it for a whole year. I must; I shall; I still have a lot left to learn, and every reason to learn it. But I'm hitting some turbulence.

Part of the problem is situational: most of the day I'm at a table, reading and writing. I hang out in cafes, reading and writing. I sit on the couch, reading and writing. (Side note -- if anyone is considering grad school, please talk to me first! Free advice. Just ask!) As a consequence, there's only so much I can ask for each and every day -- unless I start interviewing cafe goers or cashiers about their favorite pets or request extra ice or something. And that would simply be lame. Even if I don't resort to such means, how will I keep this going for almost twice as long as I've already done it?? That is the question.

Another problem is definition. What is this project about? Is it a financial enterprise, trying to raise my bottom line? Is it professional, so I position myself better come graduation? Is it gender-psychological, building guts with gusto? Is it personal, existential, experiential, so that I enrich my life with experiences I might otherwise have missed? It can be all of those, but with something so amorphous, the freedom is liberating, and a burden. Today, for example: do I head out and try to score some sort of discount? Again?? Do I try something new and exciting -- ride a fire truck? Perhaps. Do I just play it by ear? Just deciding is wearing me out, a little.

Above all, (and I use bold sparingly -- only once before -- so this is important:) I'm not a ritualistic person. I've never done anything every day, save what I must do for survival: eat, sleep, cleanse, caffeinate. I don't do schedules. I can adhere to one, and they're useful for projects or events, but I'm not prone to creating my own as a way of life. How something so seemingly insignificant -- asking for something, anything, every day -- can so consume my existence is baffling! But if I have to think about it at least every 23 hours, it's a ritual. And that's very new and, frankly, weird for me. On the upside, perhaps this will also build up my stamina for other potential daily endeavors. Fasting? Praying? Sister Roxy? Right!

Well, now. To sum things up: 140 days into this damn -- I mean, darn exciting -- project, I'm finally wondering what I've gotten myself into. Sorry to complain! I could keep this to myself and keep reporting just on what I asked, but perhaps you appreciate such transparency? In any case. It's 4:19. Plenty of time left until tomorrow.

a presto!


Thanks to those who responded.

Lisette, you've been with me from practically day 1, and your words within and beyond the context of these pages mean a lot to me.

Pat1755, I have taken up your generous suggestion (see below). Phew! And, thank you.

And Lana, I love the list idea... Maybe we could start a workgroup for daily bloggers? Your Thirtieth Year Project is an amazing compendium of characters. A modern Balzac! Or a sort of "missed connections" to the Nth power.

Tonight I headed to Lestat's, to clear my mind. And then, just before I left, I thought I'd give someone else the chance to ask. I turned to Carlos, my table neighbor, to see what he'd request, if he could ask for anything on earth.

"As in, what would be my dream come true?"

"If you want to see it that way, sure," I said. "Or it could also be something more connected to your everday life. Maybe you've been wanting something, to track someone down, to have a certain experience, to get a bargain on a new apartment."

His first desire is to ask the love of his life, a woman he broke up with 15 years ago, "Who are you today?" and tell her, "Here's who I am today." Maybe, maybe, if they're both in the right place, and seem to be more right for each other, they could get to know one another again and even try things over again...

His second desire is to find a mentor. He's a songwriter, and what he needs is honest feedback. Because it's hard to find honest voices out there, that know both him and the music industry.

Love and honesty.

Gained: an opportunity to sit back and listen... and a day off!!!
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