Please explain my health insurance benefits again?

March 31. Day 274.

You know how it goes. Grad school, responsibilities, blah blah blah. Which means I only got around to editing or writing the last three posts tonight. (I say edit first and then write, because some posts I write the day-of, but I don't hit "publish" until after I've read them over, a day or two later.) What wouldn't I give to do this full time. Write you a tender letter every morning describing what I negotiated the day before. Give you the steamy blow by blow. You dashing reader, you.

But until then, gotta finish that dissertation. Oh yes, and become independently wealthy.

Well. Today I asked for something important -- something I was tempted to overlook. I have a freckle that has been acting a little bit funny, and this morning I decided I want to get it checked out. Since I'm in San Diego, and my doctors are in Boston, I have a maximum of three doctors visits out of town, and for a trip to the dermatologist I worried I'd need a referral, which would put me at four visits, not three.

At least, that's what I thought my insurance company explained to me last spring, when I moved to San Diego and got bronchitis.

Rather than assume I remembered things correctly and wallow, I emailed my insurance company today, inquiring if I am allowed to go without a referral or how exactly "we" (read they) can resolve this situation if I've run out of visits. I'm not coming back to Boston soon, and I think it would be unwise to wait, I explained.

(I almost didn't write this, since I know a lot of my friends read this. Not to mention my parents. Don't worry!! Just a precautionary measure.)

Gained: Waiting for their answer...

Wishing everyone good health!

Can we meet earlier?

March 30. Day 273.

I fell asleep late and woke up early, resulting in about 2 hours of actual shuteye last night. Too many things going on.

But I was delirious all day. I really don't understand how other people do it.

I did manage to drive, interact with people, order a coffee and benefit from its rush for a few hours, and I briefly managed to think. Yes, I wrote a few coherent sentences. But I felt like my head was stuck in a vat of Elmer's glue. Things moved slower, they stuck together, and everything was bathed in a gooey, translucent, white haze of delirious exhaustion.

By early that evening, sleep was pressing upon my brows with the strength and insistence of the scent of a heavy cheese that melted on the seat cushions of your car after being forgotten there one balmy Tuesday last summer, after a potluck picnic where too many people brought cheese and not enough people brought bread so you decided to leave the extra pieces in the car, on a napkin, for a couple of hours. Little did you know it the temperature inside a car can top 120 degrees.

Yes I was so tired, I even wrote a long string of horrible metaphors and repeated myself, that's how tired I was.

I had made plans with a friend of La Divina who's in town for a few weeks from Milano. The idea was to grab a drink together. But around 7, I thought I'd check if we could meet earlier.

"Can we meet earlier?" I asked, more or less, in choppy Italian.

She didn't answer my message, so I picked her up at 8. And I felt animated and energized! Amazing how some people can have that effect on others.

Gained: No schedule shift, but made a nice new acquaintance.

Really, how do medical residents do it? (Hmmm... a future asking is creeping up! Oh my God! I vow I shall one day ask for this, and find a way to secure legal clearance: Ask a student if I can tag along for an entire hospital shift. What would that be like?!)

Girl talk! Do my makeup?

March 29. Day 272.

Mr. A has been in Korea for the past week, for a conference. On Friday he called to say he's heading into the demilitarized zone, and Saturday he called to say he made it back alive.

Three interesting things he reported, on a staticky phone call, about his day trip: Both North and South Korea have set up propagandistic "model villages" near the border, to show tourists just how great life is on their side of the economical/ideological divide. Both towns are happy, shiny places. Both would do their mamas proud. But there's one big difference between them: The Northern town is uninhabited. Once in a while, employees show up and turn the lights on or off to make it seem alive.

Second, the North Korean guards were depressingly thin, while their southern cousins were downright portly in comparison.

Third, the Northern guards operate with a buddy system. This is not to protect one another in case of combat or look behind one other's shoulders alertly as they roam the DMZ. It is so that each soldier can shoot his partner if he tries to escape.

(If I occasionally share gratuitous tidbits such as this, gentle reader, things that have nothing to do with "asking" or even "daily," it's because I find them interesting. That's worth something too, isn't it?)

***

Today I celebrated my "unhealthy origins" by indulging in a fully decadent practice of cosmetic application.

Jem and I had lunch, we talked about boob jobs, our own jobs, other people's cute babies, and wondered if marriage really does kill your sex life (any one with insights or opinions, please make your views known in the comments!!), and then she came over to make banana bread. In the middle of this estrofest, while the breads were baking, we moved to the living room and our conversation rolled around to make-up. She had applied her eyeshadow in a very alluring manner, and I was curious about her methods.

"I've been wanting how to do the smokey eye look," I continued. Mr. A was coming back in a few hours, so maybe I could surprise him. She said it's all about the eyeliner, and you know what happened next. "Can you show me?"

We moved to my bedroom, where I have a very clean, very uncluttered vanity table. Read: I rarely wear makeup. Somewhere between once a year and once a decade, I resolve to become more makeup friendly. I go to the cosmetic counter of FancyBrands (i.e. whatever department store is in the city I'm living in at the time) and spend heaps on new products. In Paris, I remember, I paid something like $30 (or was it euros!?) on a brush, at the insistence of my far more fashion forward shopping companion, Francesco. "A brush will make such a difference. Trust me!!" How exactly did he know? I know not. But I have learned that in matters of taste its techniques, Francesco is de man.

I still have that brush. Memories.

Jem decided that a soft violet shadow would do wonders to open up my baby hazels, so we went with that. Next, eyeliner, finally mascara. I was transformed. A whole new person. A whole new asker.

Ok, not really. But it was fun!!

Gained: Make up tips, and an afternoon of baking, boys and gossip -- that is, felt like a 12-year-old again.

Thinking about value... and buy my valuable furniture?

March 28. Day 271.

If you're an economist, or didn't almost flunk college econ like yours truly (thank God for grade inflation), please forgive me. The next post is going to be a sleeper. Probably what you covered on day one of business school. No, what you figured out when you started selling used Porsches out of your mom's garage when you were 15. No, what you learned when you were 7 and ran a successful lemonade business, followed by a neighborhood IPO. So how about you go play catch with your son or bake some peanut butter macadamia cookies. You have better things to do. Trust me. Shoo. Scram!

But if you're like me, dear reader, and consider "plus" and "minus" to be the most aggressive tools in your bag of accounting tricks or wouldn't be caught dead calculating a tip in your head when you have a cell phone in your pocket, read on. You might find this interesting.

Here's my thought for the day: Value. So much about negotiation requires knowing what your goal is worth to you. Do you really want that house for $400,000? What about $600,000? When will you walk away?

The same goes for sellers: At what point do you refuse to make the sale? And, what do you charge to maximize your profits but stay competitive?

These are some questions that are creeping into the back of my mind as I approach certain negotiable transactions...

Like today.

This morning, I did a major declutter-cleaning. Yeah, we just moved, and it finally sank in that we have too much stuff. Would have been nice to know that before lugging it from the old place. I piled trash bags of clothes, shoes & more by the door, and dragged over a few items I'm hoping to sell on Craigslist.

I posted three things -- two shelves and a lamp -- and asked for more than what I spent to buy them. Besides being a greedy little trollope, I'm also curious: How informed are shoppers on Craigslist? An object's value is, by one measure, whatever I sell it for. So... will people catch on? And, a second question: if Target decided the lamp is worth $40 and appealed to a grad student, will a $60 lamp appeal to someone with deeper pockets? Might someone like that lamp more if it costs more?

According to one analyst, selling overpriced services and goods is just a question of semantics. Overpriced? Or worth the money? Geoffrey James, at Sales Machine, states that "Both concepts are completely dependent upon context and perception."

For example, when you offer an intangible benefit to the buyer, above and beyond what the competition offers, you're adding value. So if you're not charging more, you're basically discounting.

But what if you're a jerk like me? Selling used furniture, with no added value, at a premium price? Geoffrey says that's ok, too

Let’s suppose that there’s no good reason whatsoever why your offering costs more than the competition. (Maybe your boss just wants to buy a new yacht.) In that case, it is still possible to transform being overpriced into a intangible advantage, providing that you sell to customers who automatically associate “high priced” with “better.” And don’t kid yourself, there are plenty of people who think that way.

Basically, the sucker model. (Here's his his full explanation, which is much more detailed.)

Within hours, I got lots of takers for two shelves, but for the lamp, a woman replied to say it's selling new for $30.

Gained: Hoping for $10 profit on the shelves. Still waiting for a taker on the lamp, before I adjust the price. At worst, I hope, charging more than I paid will allow me to break even when shoppers haggle.

One last thought: much of this project has been geared toward minimizing losses -- through discounts and the like -- since my grad student stipend is the same every month. But what I've been wanting to do is find ways to maximize my gains. Normally, I could ask for a raise, find reasonable ways to charge clients more, or negotiate a salary when I start a new job. But since these aren't happening (yet), I've done the next best thing.

What do you think? How does the concept of value play into your thoughts when you're deciding whether -- and how -- to negotiate?

Goofus and Gallant, may I have your chair?

March 27. Day 270.

I had drinks tonight with a friend at Tower 23, the waning but still hip beachfront bar with excellent raspberry margaritas. Metrosexuals abounding. The perfect place for La Roxy to play wingwoman to her saucy friend, La Senorita, for an evening.

On the patio, we spotted a single table and no chairs. Fortunately, there were two empty chairs on opposite ends of the bar. We each tackled one.

I asked the woman sitting next to one at the far end of the bar if I could take it.

"No. It's his," she replied, nodding toward a man who was standing nearby. I left.

La Senorita went after the other chair, which was next to a pair of men. One was sitting; the other was not, but had his jacket draped across it. Surprise surprise, she got the chair.

Gentlewoman that she is, she didn't sit down, and of course I didn't either. Not with one chair between the two of us. The guys who gave her the chair came up and teased us. "You wanted a place to hold your purses?"

"No! It's just that she won't sit in it because I don't have one. She's too sweet!" I said, laughing. You know what they did next. Gave us their only other chair.

No quid pro quo. No creepiness or trying to butt in on our conversation. Just nice guys, who will be honored into perpetuity on this blog.

Once we thanked them and sat down, I glanced back for a moment, out of curiosity, to see if the first guy was still standing by his chair or using it. He was standing.

What was this? He quickly walked up to our table! Did I miss something?

"Excuse me," he began. "I don't want to be too forward, but I noticed you were looking at me. Are you coming on to me?" He really said this. I have witnesses.

"No, I just wanted your chair," I replied.

"Oh. Because I thought I saw you staring at me."

"No, at your chair," La Senorita replied. "We were curious why your girlfriend wouldn't give it to us, when you're not using it."

"That's not my girlfriend. Do you ladies mind if I join you?"

"Actually we do. We haven't seen each other in a while and we were looking forward to catching up tonight. But you have a great evening," I explained.

Gained: Two chairs. And a story.

Group discount for a spa day?

March 26. Day 268.

Yuck. I just had a sip of bottled water that tastes like a plastic chemical crap.

Shudder.

Ok. So.

I've taken on my first assignment as an asker!

Every few weeks, I get together with a group of girls and we hang out. Watch a movie, go out for dinner, whatever. One of them suggested we have a spa day, and I offered to call around and see what kind if group rate or special package I could find.

It's a weird tradition, if you think about it: have your body buffed and primed, poked and abrased, your hairs removed and your toxins sucked away by organic compounds, in public, for exorbitant prices, while discussing men. All in order to please the men you've just been discussing.

In any case. Here are the results of my first round of inquiries, in the order I called.

1. Indigo, a boutique salon and spa, offered 10 percent off of any individual service. No discounts on package deals (like massage and facial) because those are already discounted.

I didn't push for anything better. Other places to call first.

2. Aqua Day Spa, a larger outfit, offered ten sauna visits for $150 (aka $15 per person, from $20). For scrubs and massages, they have a "buy 10 get 1 free" $900 package (aka $81 per person).

I explained people might not want both scrub and massage, and $81 plus $15 for the sauna was above our budgets. Could we pay less and use less -- i.e. only massage or scrub, plus sauna?

"That's okay, in that case you will get a credit," she replied.

"I don't want to pay for something I won't use."

She was getting confused, or I was being confusing. (There was also a language barrier.) So I tried again, calmly and clearly:

"I'm trying to get the most competitive package. I am calling several places, and I will select the one that can work with my budget. I am looking for a package for 7 to 10 women, who want to pay around $60 to $70 for massage or scrub and sauna. Is that possible?"

(Yes, $60 is low, but that would let them raise it to $80 while including the sauna rather than tacking it on. I hope!)

She said she must check with the owner. Sounds good.

3. Estancia, in La Jolla, serenaded me with sexy bossa nova while the spa concierge made her way to the telephone. She the told me to email someone else to arrange this package. And the email she she gave me was from a different company, someone at "destination hotels" -- basically someone corporate.

Too much trouble. And from the look of their website, too pricey for a glorified nail salon. (Ok, fine, it is the lap of luxury! Sumptuous serene luxury! Luxury I can't afford! Next?)

4. Hair and Nail Studio. It's a small operation, family owned, and a far cry from Estancia. With prices to match. (Disclosure: I get my legs waxed there. Susan, the owner, is wonderful. Here's the website.)

I asked if we could get facials, plus mani-pedis, for $60. She thought about it, then agreed.

I think that's a great deal. But the vibe is more "maintenance" than "indulgence." Bright lights, can-do attitude. Not "ommmmmmm." I don't think the girls will go for it.

5. Hyde-Edwards looks great -- from its website and Yelp reviews, at least. (Though, I don't trust yelp ever since they took down my negative review of a place. Still, I use it once in a while for things like this -- lists of places to check out.)

She told me about their regular group special, which is full price, but includes free champagne and fruits.

I asked if it would be possible to get a discount on top of that. She said no.

Wrap-up: I didn't try very hard. Just by asking, I got up to 20 percent off of services at a mix of salons. And "free" champagne.

Next, I will go back and negotiate with the final two or tree contenders. Personally, I'm leaning for Aqua Day Spa. I'm all about the sauna!! Or Hyde-Edwards, if I could get those prices to come down just a bit.

Gained: Update next week.

(Above, pictures from spas around the world. What would an alien think... torture? birth canal? other aliens? )

Daily Asker: Here To Stay!

March 25. Day 268.

Faster than you can say "Daily Asker Taskmaster," this project is becoming something else. Months ago, I used to be on a constant lookout for opportunities and set out thinking of ways to ask -- and if I didn't find any that day, I used to go out of my way to ask at, say, 1 a.m. Some of my favorite posts grew from that desperation. (Sorority and Pedicab, for example.)

Now, I'm still pausing in the evening to make sure I've asked -- but almost always, I find that I have. In other words, it's getting to be natural and spontaneous, and less about me saying, "I'm must ask for something today! Ak! Ok, I guess I'll ask the bus driver if I can take over for at the wheel for five minutes." Lately, I wasn't even thinking about it. I didn't make a particular effort or feel my heart racing out of anxiety or excitement.

It wasn't contrived.

In other words....

I've made asking a routine. This is both fantastic, since it means that after 9 months of doing it daily, I've finally raised the bar to where looking for opportunities and becoming assertive is approaching second nature.

It's also worrisome, because, type-A that I am, I am not easily satisfied with my results. My next natural question is, what next? How do I bring asking to the next level? How do I become not just a daily asker, but a better daily asker?

A few ways come to mind.

First, I need to plug back into the news. At the beginning of this project, I was always looking for "negotiation" and even the word "asking" in the news. I'd post the links here, and it was food for thought. If I start doing that again, it will help me see others in action, and keep asking on my mind.

Second, I need to raise the bar in terms of what I'm asking for. Not every day, but whenever the opportunity arises. I think I've gotten comfortable with the notion that I've asked, and that's that. But maybe I shouldn't be satisfied with a free cookie anymore. Maybe I should ask for the recipe itself. Aim bigger. Aim realistically, practically (or not!), but bigger. Stop being so comfortable. One amazing thing this project has done was force me to evaluate what I want and need, what are my priorities, who and what I'm willing to speak up for. Whether it's my grandmother's dignity, or silence on a bus. Well, I can keep up the routine, but find ways to stretch. Optimize. Constantly reevaluate. Ask for the pony because I want the pony, not the kitten. And get the pony.

Third, I need to develop new methods that actually get me what I want, and look for different opportunities, not just more of the same. Of course, "just opening my mouth and asking," which was the initial catchphrase of this project, has led to many fantastic gains and experiences. But there are many things I did want, and didn't get. Why did I get rejected? What could I have done differently? Time to take stock. Since I'm not often buying cars or negotiating house down payments, I think I need to outsource. Myself, that is. Find people who are approaching larger transactions and offer to step in, with the guarantee I'll back off the moment the want me to. That would be an essential way to use my new skills, and develop newer ones.

Fourth, and I think this is a big one. I need to tap into the experts. That's what got me started in the first place: the book Women Don't Ask, which changed my approach to transactions and interactions from the first chapter. It was a wake-up call. I recently bought the authors's next book, Ask for It, which I'm about to start reading. Well, how else can I keep learning? Who else is out there? What other writers, researchers -- or bloggers -- are approaching this or similar subjects? What other books are good on this subject?

Fifth, I need to get the word out. Do you have any friends who are reporters or bloggers, who could write about The Daily Asker? Do you read any websites or blogs that could link back to me? How about you send them my link! Having people visit this site and leave comments is a major motivator. Otherwise I could ask and not document it, or skip a day and no one would know but me. You guys keep me on task. So... if you know anyone who might like this site, please take a moment to email them the link or mention it next them they could have -- or should have -- asked. Women, men, kids, grandmas, employees, bosses, friends. This post would be a good place to start, actually!

Finally: Long to-do list. So little time. Between finishing grad school, finding work and living my life, there's no way I'm going to get this all done in under three months. So... I'm starting to think that I can't stop in July!! I mean, I had all these plans. Nab a great starting salary. Ask for a better car deal. Ask for a tour of Asker, Norway. Ask for a segway ride. I'm not even halfway to where I want to be, in terms of negotiated gains. I've parked my fear at the door and learned to speak up, I've looked for slick ways to get what I want, but there's so much left to tackle.

And so... at the bottom of this long post, for anyone who is still reading, I'm announcing that unless my lips get sealed shut on July 1 or I develop the Negotiation Superpower overnight, I will keep on asking! And keep blogging about it!!

Thanks to all of you readers who have been following my adventures, sending me your ideas, questions and encouragement. You've brought this project to a whole different dimension!

Speaking of asking... I was playing around on cooltext.com, a logo generator, and came up with about 12 possible logos for this site. Just for fun, ya know? I made a file with them and today, I asked the man sitting next to me what he thought. Within about 10 seconds, he told me he liked the second one. Hands down. It's also one of my favorites. I have a few more ideas for year two. The logo is just frosting. Stay tuned!!

Gained: 266 days of asking, and counting.