To blog or not to blog?

I've been composing Daily Asker posts in my head for the past six months, and the whole time I've wondered if I should start writing them out and hitting "publish" again. I keep mulling it over, remembering what I loved about writing here and considering the reasons I stopped. Here's a pro and con list.

CON

Busy. Working as a freelance reporter, getting a copywriting business up and running. I simply don't have the time to write the kind of posts I'd like to. (Rebuttal: You never have time. You make it.)

Ethics and conflicts. I'm a freelance reporter. I have been since 2004, long before I started this project. I've been careful to avoid conflicts of interest, both with the blog and my copywriting work -- e.g. asking for a company to cancel a late fee, and then writing about them in the business pages. In the complicated, fuzzy media landscape of today does it even make sense to "pretend" to be objective and disinterested regarding all matters? Of course it's important to avoid sleaziness, or the appearance thereof, particularly in the areas I regularly cover. So what effect does this blog's coverage and focus -- helping negotiators of all kinds (people buying and selling goods, services, skills) -- have on my credibility as a reporter, now or down the line?

Need to earn a living. Currently, my professional endeavors aren't the kind that lead to retirement before age 80. There are those pesky nonbillable hours, and the myriad (enthralling/exasperating) time suckers that go into building a business. So I keep wondering how I can justify devoting time to this when there are bills to pay. There the usual ways to monetize a blog, some more attainable and attractive than others. Start accepting ads on the site. Write a book or an e-book. Teach workshops. It's the same problem thinkers and writers are having everywhere. Ironially, I get paid good money to write blog posts for others. (Rebuttal: Even without an income stream, even if this blog remains a hobby, it's a way of giving back, a way of helping and sharing -- all wonderful and worthwhile.) 


Curious about impact. Does this blog make a difference? Am I contributing something worthwhile to the interwebs? I have to ask myself this, to make sure I'm not just better off keeping a journal.

PRO

Important topic. The gap between reality and potential for many would-be askers out there is too great. I want to help others become better negotiators.

Passion. I'm still obsessed by this subject. I love asking and telling stories. Why not keep doing both?

SO...

In case I do revive the blog, here's a question for you:

What's most interesting, enjoyable or useful for you? i.e. What do you want to see here?

A) Stories about my asking and negotiation adventures, with occasional reflections/insights (which continue, even if undocumented). (Example 1. Example 2.)

B) Practical, how-to posts about haggling, salaries, and other real life asking/negotiation scenarios. (Example 1. Example 2.)

C) Interviews or Q&A's with experienced negotiators in the career, political, retail, psychology and other fields. (Example)

D) Updates from the gender and negotiation front. Reflection on & links to news, commentary, current events, freshly published studies.

E) Reader-centric posts about asking dilemmas and victories. You tell me your situation and I post recommendations/results for all to see. (Example)

By the way, I'm test driving cars tomorrow. I've done my research and mapped out a negotiation strategy. Now it's time to see how low I can get the price on a new or gently used Nissan or Hyundai. Which means it may be time to put on@DailyAsker hat again. For any blogger who's made a similar pro and con list, what conclusion did you reach? How do other bloggers out there decide to stay the course, start a new project, or jump ship and spend all their free time hunting down lost Netflix DVDs and eating Toblerone?

YOURS,

La Roxy

Outed! Meet The Daily Asker

Gentle Reader,

On July 1, 2008, I decided to try asking for something every day for one year. My goal was to push my limits and see how far I could get. Over the course of the year, and ever since, this project has expanded to be about a lot more than my own objectives and benefits. I've connected thousands of aspiring and accomplished askers who have experienced the same struggles and victories that I have.

Because let's face it: the time of sitting back demurely and expecting others to acknowledge us is over. If we don't request or, if need be, demand that our needs are met, that our talents are recognized, that our contributes are justly and equitably compensated, then we have no one to blame but ourselves.

All this time, I kept my identity a secret. First, I didn't want the people I was asking to find out I was blogging, lest it change their attitudes. Perhaps they'd be more (or less) inclined to say yes, if they knew publicity was just around the corner. For the results of the year-long asking experiment to be somewhat reliable, I had to come across as a girl-on-the-street, asking like any of you might: Blog-free. Not keeping stats. Just asking. Second, I was worried that if my name got out there as The Daily Asker, if it got linked to this blog, it might hamper eventual negotiations. "She is The Daily Asker!?" a potential employer might think (I thought). "Well then we have to lowball, since she's obviously going to negotiate."

Today I know that OF COURSE I will not accept any compensation that's below my market value. No one I would work with, or for, would have a problem with that. And since I'm not asking daily anymore, I think it's time to shed the mystery...

Hello.

My name is Roxana Popescu.

I also go by Roxy.

I live in San Diego, California, as you know.

I bike to work as often as I can.

I detest wind -- it makes any weather situation worse. Hotter heat, wetter wet. The exception is a cooling breeze on a hot day. I'll take that. I'd even ask for it, if I thought it would make a difference, but nature is usually deaf to my entreaties.

I have dark brown hair which has been several other colors: darker chestnut, dark caramel blond (see below), auburn.

My dissertation was about something that had nothing to do with asking: the representation of balconies in painting and literature, from 1150 to 1912. My degree is from Harvard, so when I was writing about "back east" and Boston, I really meant Cambridge, Mass.

And those freelance gigs I've been mentioning -- the projects I just wrapped up in Italy, and elsewhere -- are articles. I freelance write for a mix of publications, some in San Diego and some elsewhere. Throughout my time asking, I've been very careful to avoid conflicts of interest. (For example, I never wrote about local restaurants or the travel industry after scoring goodies there, and I've never asked or blogged about the topics I report about.) I also checked with reporting colleagues and Poynter's ethics hotline.

By the way, reporters also ask a lot of questions, but that's quite different from asking on behalf of yourself. When I'm doing an article, it's easy to ask hard questions because the public's benefit is on the line. What I needed to learn was if I could ask on behalf of little old me. Eventually, I discovered that I'm worth it, too. Every single one of us is.

As for this blog: It's not going anywhere!! I'm going to keep on asking, negotiating, and developing this space. I have a few regular features in mind, a resources section, recommended books. Basically, I'd like to keep this site as a destination for anyone interested in learning how to be a better asker. At the same time, I'm going to reach out to readers in other outlets -- Forbes, where I started blogging, and whatever other opportunities emerge.

A note in closing:

Every time one of you left a comment or sent me an email, the knowledge that my adventure was impacting someone else totally made my day. Every time I read or heard about a woman negotiating for a raise or better starting salary, I smiled -- and then asked her how she did it so I could pass that on to you. And whenever I learned that The Daily Asker was helping someone shed a fear, identify a goal and get it, learn from my mishaps and successes, it made me itch to write the next post. That's what has kept me writing: knowing people out there find my exercises useful.

I thank you, gentle reader, for the offering me privilege of writing to you.

How being "out" affects my asking and blogging remains to be seen... but if I liked certainty, I never would have started this asking experiment in the first place. :)

Since I'm not sure what else to say, how about I leave it at that, for now. Meanwhile, if you have any questions, just ask.

Yours,

The Daily Asker Turns Two!

[source]

I can't believe that two years ago today, around this very hour, sitting on my grandmother's couch, I decided to start this project.

A lot has changed since then.

Finished grad school.

Started to build a life with someone.

Launched a business.

Changed this blog's look and format.

Shifted from asking daily to asking... almost daily. ;)

But my goals here are still the same: to become a better asker negotiator, and to help others do the same. To make sure I'm compensated just like a man with my skills would be, and to do this both by not undervaluing myself and by not letting others do that.

And to do what I love for a living, no matter how hard that pathway proves to be.

I've been slow to update because I'm two weeks behind and somehow never catch up. Also, I'm discovering that starting a business -- and having to earn a living from it -- leaves little time for extracurriculars. Sad, but that's the reality. One day I'll do a marathon post catch-up. Or maybe just fast forward and write those older askings off. TBD.

My goals for Year Three are as follows.

1. To help more people become better askers by connecting with outlets with a wider audience. Some things are in the works, but I won't say anything until something certain materializes.

2. To turn this blog from a place about my asking experiment into something broader. I'll keep reporting my attempts and failures for their instructive (and/or entertainment) value, but I've collected a bunch of successful stories from other awesome askers -- i.e. all you readers! -- so we can learn from your strategies. I'm working on uploading your stories to a soon-to-be-launched page. If you have more reports, send them in. I hope it will be a swiftly growing collection. I also want to include a resources page, and talk about relevant news stories and issues as they come up. If you see interesting articles or blog posts about women & careers, gender issues, asking, haggling, negotiation and the like, please email me a link!

3. To add negotiation to my arsenal. I'm a seasoned asker, I know I'd get better results sometimes if I shifted gears to negotiation mode rather than walking away at a no. I had a conversation today with Vickie Pynchon, who's teaching the negotiation seminar I'll be taking starting on July 17. She told me:

"Asking is relying on the kindness of strangers. Negotiation is power. Asking is hoping, negotiation is claiming."

Bring. It. On.

And thanks, dear readers, for sticking with me through these adventures! For encouraging me and commenting. And for telling me about your askings -- that brings me indescribable joy.

xo,

Roxy

88 things I discovered

Findings from the hard data coming next. But first...

88 things I discovered in 365 days of asking

Feel free to send, email or reproduce this list. Just give credit to The Daily Asker and include a link to my blog.

And feel free to contribute your own insights to the list by adding comments below.

1. You seriously have nothing to lose by asking.

2. Actually, you have way more to lose by not asking.

3. Persisting pays off in direct and indirect ways.

4. Forming a habit of asking leads to unimagined opportunities and benefits.

5. You get more when you have high expectations.

6. People are amazingly generous.

7. People are playful and up for adventure.

8. Even prices printed in black ink are not set in stone.

9. Every price is its own form of request: "Will you pay X for Y?" Most people either pay up or walk away. The third, rarer, choice is negotiating.

10. Even if getting rejected seems scary or embarrassing, the worst sting lasts 3 seconds max -- and you grow stronger every time.

11. Asking others encourages you to ask yourself first: what do I want? what do I need?

12. Department stores are a challenge -- I never got a discount there, despite media buzz that they're cutting deals left and right; maybe I needed to buy bigger ticket items, or maybe I approached the wrong individuals. Oh well! There's always Year Two.

13. Craigslisters always rewarded my asking.

14. Small requests lead to bigger and better and bolder ones.

15. Being generous is lovely. Just not when you're giving your time or talents at an underpaid job.

16. Asking for a fair salary when the other party acts reluctant is tough.

17. Asking for a fair salary when you don't have a job is also really tough.

18. But both are so worth it. So research, practice and remember you are awesome.

19. If you can afford to do so, asking and failing is better than working a job where you're not paid enough, not respected or not meeting your potential. Tough times, bad economy, no work, but something to keep in mind for when things pick up and/or you do have some leeway.

20. Plan who you'll ask. Manager or employee? Marketing or finance department? What's your inroad to success?

21. Plan how you'll ask. Helpless or assertive? Persuasive or demanding? Flirty or professional? Switch midway if that's what it takes. This part of negotiating isn't an art or a science, it's human nature. Trust your gut.

22. Asking is not hard for all women. Some women are amazing askers!

23. According to my readers, asking is also hard for some men, immigrants, foreigner visitors, minorities.

24. It's easier to ask when you feel you have nothing to lose. That's obvious. But keeping that in mind, aim to translate that confidence into transactions where the outcome does matter.

25. No one but you cares if you ask and fail. In the wise words of one reader, "No one is watching you." Not the waiter, not the cashier, not the bouncer. Maybe the other insecure ninnies in line, and who cares about them? So don't let shyness hold you back.

26. Don't worry about exploiting the other side by asking. He or she can decline.

27. But remember there are cases where you have more power, status or income, and the other side feels compelled to comply.

28. A good test for how reasonable and fair your request is to ask yourself first, How would I react if the roles were reversed? Would I feel obligated to comply because I'm desperate? Assuming you're not Jeffrey Dahmer, that is.

29. Use empathy to identify with the other side -- and use that to your advantage.

30. What struck me as a big request or favor was quite likely inconsequential or even entertaining to who I asked.

31. On the other hand, in more complicated situations don't assume you know the other side's motives or intentions. Try to find out, but never assume.

32. Libraries are hard places to ask. Especially at my grad school!!!

33. Asking someone to stop doing something is less often successful than asking someone to start.

34. Surround yourself with good people -- people who reward asking, questioning, venturing, seeking. Open minded and ambitious people.

35. Sounding apologetic is the easiest way to ensure failure. Act like you own the place, or like you're best friends with the person you're asking!

36. You get more by courtesy and flattery than by demanding or complaining.

37. People rarely ask back. That means they are missing their own opportunities. So if you get asked, and want to maximize your position, try asking back. ("Can I have this for 10 percent off" "How about 5 percent?" That type of reply was very rare.)

38. Study and mimic the manners and methods of effective askers and negotiators.

39. Mine experienced askers and negotiators for info, advice, techniques.

40. Speaking of mimicking, one strategy during a negotiation is to copy the other side's lingo. "That rate is too high." "Well, I'm afraid it's too low."

41. Another strategy for getting a low price on services, travel, etc is pitting competitors against one another and asking for the best bid.

42. Another strategy is to advocate for your goal as an optimized solution for both parties. This is one rational, cerebral version of persuasion.

43. Emotional and pleading persuasion is also effective under the right circumstances.

44. Sometimes you should simply tell, not ask. "I'm taking my lunch break," not "Can I take my lunch break?" Don't give someone the opportunity to say no.

45. If you doubt yourself while asking, you'll probably fail. The other party can sense you don't believe the query is worthwhile and it becomes much easier to say no.

46. People ask a lot more frequently than they realize -- so it's not a big stretch to make it a routine or ask more adventurously.

47. It's easier to ask on behalf of other people, harder to ask for yourself. Hmm... maybe having a partner in crime is a good approach. You ask for him/her, and vice versa. Something to test out in Year Two...

48. Some of the best requests and results were impromptu -- which suggests that asking just for the hell of it has its own big merit.

49. One more strategy is letting the "askee" come up with a solution. You ask vaguely, "How can I work around this fee?" and he will offer the very solution you wanted. But it's his initiative, not your demand. Makes him more eager to want to help.

50. Also helps to put yourself on a team with the person you're asking. "What are we going to do about this?" as opposed to "How will you fix my problem?"

51. Anyone can ask. You don't need to be a consumer advocate or reporter or public official to get what you want. I never said I was a blogger, never said anything about any publicity producing powers I may have, and people still agreed, gave, complied.

52. The internet is full of resources for finding people at the top and planting your request strategically. A few favorites: The Consumerist's tips, cached email addresses (by messing around on Google), and directories like cogmap.

53. In a year of asking, NO ONE was cruel when turning me down. No one said "How dare you ask! Loser! Mooch! Greedy bitch!" People acted surprised, at most snooty, but no one insulted me or my ancestors. So at the very worst, whether I was rejected by someone kind or condescending, I ended up exactly where I had been before asking.

54. On the other hand, what's wrong with being unpopular? I have stood up for myself more this year, stood up for more others, and demanded respect in ways I never imagined I would or could, until now.

55. Being a good asker might make you sensitive to when other people could be asking, but aren't. This can be valuable information, both for self centered and altruistic purposes.

56. It costs approximately $983 to cater a wedding for approximately 75 people, with organic food, not counting the roast suckling pig. Just food costs, that is. Labor and service are extra.

57. When stomping on an assailant's foot, use your heel, not the ball of the foot.

58. When breaking during a game of pool, lean in and follow through. Don't just snap the cue, thrust it.

59. Don't trust Italian elevators.

60. Berenger's Private Reserve Chardonnay, 2007, tastes like chicken soup, with an afterwhiff of creme brulee.

61. Cwm is a small Welsh valley. That, and pa and mo and el and yean and toea are Scrabble-approved words.

62. My new favorite cheese: Tome à l'ancienne. Quote from Day 298: "Made in Provence, by farmers, in their kitchens. Totally unpasteurized. Totally exquisite. A gooey disk of bliss."

63. A gas station in Maine serves the best cheesesteak sandwiches on the planet.

64. Ikea's return policy sucks.

65. Excel is my friend.

66. Rules are, quite often, askings of their own. Credit card minimum? Exit only? No return without a receipt? Ask, persuade, and very likely you'll end up on the insider's club.

67. Asking is an easy way to make your life a lot easier. Delegate, ask for a raincheck, request an extension, an exception, a shortcut. Optimize, prioritize. In any case, nothing to lose by trying.

68. One approach to simplifying through asking is to group together frequent tasks or multiple frequent purchases and try to get a discount or favor. Buy coffee every day? Ask for a monthly discount. Have a regular dry cleaning errand? Ask for a bulk rate and go more rarely. Save time and money.

69. The savings from mini-requests add up over time. Bargaining every weekend at the farmer's market will pay off financially, and it's good training.

70. Know your BAFTA before setting out in any negotiation.

71. Not everyone gives expecting something in return. It's okay to take, without immediately saying, "How can I repay you?" Maybe you'll pay back later, or simply pay it forward...

72. With some people, you never have to ask -- they give of their own accord. Remember those people. Remember to thank them. And be just as generous with them and others.

73. Speaking of those people, my family and friends are awesome. This is not really a discovery -- just a reminder. Thank you, everyone!!

74. Get over the guilt of asking.

75. There's a big gap between greediness and staking your fair claim. Study it, reflect on it, and be sure to stay on the right side. If it's a gray zone, get advice.

76. To quote one of my readers quoting Spike Lee, do the right thing. Only ask in a setting where you'd like to be asked -- not when the other party is desperate for your services, or where your gain would impoverish or hurt someone else.

77. It's okay to stumble and try again. I sometimes saved money by calling or coming back and renegotiating. Not ideal, not exactly elegant, but it worked out okay.

78. Walking away from a negotiation if you don't get your optimal result is awesome. It works. And, makes you feel like a badass!!

79. Don't be afraid to be enthusiastic when negotiating or asking. If you're aloof, playing it cool, the other party might think you're not impressed and lower the price. But he or she might also assume you're not interested and not invest the energy (or discount) to persuade you.

80. Show the other party what's in it for them -- maybe you'll be a more frequent customer, or refer people, or (a more subtle approach) flatter them into teaching you their skill or showing your their secret. Make it about the giver, not the asker.

81. Use your cell phone or laptop aggressively. Check for coupon codes, online discounts and the like, and apply them on the phone, online or at the cash register.

82. When it doubt, at any transaction, give asking a try. "Do you have any special promotions today?" saved me a bunch, over the year. $2 here and there add up.

83. Frequent asking increases chances of a potential whammy, like my airfare vouchers.

84. Asking for career advice, contacts and networking works the same way: give it a try, make it a habit, and see the dividends add up over time.

85. If you're flexible, you can save money (in the U.S., at least) by shopping late in the day -- farmers markets, estate sales and the like are eager to unload their stuff, so you have more bargaining power.

86. Asking is exhilarating.

87. Asking is contagious.

88. Asking is addictive.

Can I ask for something everyday for a year?

I've just signed up for 365 days of asking.

Prompted by a book I started reading today, Women Don't Ask, about how women's reluctance to negotiate costs them millions of dollars individually -- not to mention the collective losses -- I decided, quite spontaneously when I got to the bottom of page 7, to try asking.

Perks. Discounts. Upgrades. 2 for 1. 3 for 2. A better restaurant seat. Application of an expired 20 percent coupon. Salary boost. Access to discretionary funds. Lower insurance rate.

The point of this exercise is not to get stuff for free. I will not beg or ask for unilateral favors. I will never bring up that I'm blogging before or while asking. Anything I get should be part of a transaction in which I'm also providing something: money, time, expertise. Or, part of a transaction in which I'm undoing or counteracting an inconvenience or loss. Ideally, it has to be an exchange in which I leverage my position to my advantage.

The point is to simplify my life and boost my financial situation by asking. The point is to try to benefit from the type of situation where "it can't hurt to ask." The point is to start thinking about asking in the first place. The point is to become a better asker over time: identify opportunities, identify my needs and desires, develop strategies, maximize savings and earnings. The point is to use asking as a springboard for becoming a negotiator who can be cutthroat or cajoling, as needed.

Also, for something to count as an asking, it has to be explicit. The benefit won't count, for the purposes of this exercise, if I hinted at it, or got a lucky break, or would have gotten it anyway.

Well. A long-winded and rather dry beginning, which I reserve the right to edit for linguistic clarity, but not intent. That's what I'm signing up for. No questions asked.