What selling taught me about buying (and vice versa)

Not my parents, but they might just be someone else's

After years of asking as a buyer, now I'm discovering what it's like to be batting for the other team. Let's give it up for... The Sellers!!!

In the next two posts, I'll share two negotiations I recently undertook: one where I undercharged the client and one that turned out great. But first, an intro.

Maybe people in business school or with parents who ran import/export companies understand business negotiation intuitively. I grew up with two bohemian, nerdy immigrant parents (I mean that in the best sense possible, Mumsie and Daddums) who in turn grew up in a cruddy communist regime with no lemonade sales or other chances to practice being entrepreneurial. One is a computer analyst and the other an architect. Hence until I was 22 I thought networking was something you did with the extra wires in your house. And sales are things you go to.

So from a total newbie perspective, here's what I'm discovering about being a seller.

Revelation: Selling is not that different from buying. 

I'm still looking for value. When I buy, that means maximizing the goods, time or services I can get for my investment of money. And when I sell, I'm trying to maximize the money I can get for my investment of goods, time or services.

I'm still using empathy to come up with the best outcome. Selfishly, empathy lets me consider the other side's situation, motivations and resources, thereby giving the me bargaining chips I need to get what I want. Altruistically, it helps me come up with solutions that satisfy both sides and are fair and humane. For example, I charge people with limited means less, in the same way that I wouldn't ask for a huge discount or free services from someone who is struggling or in a position of less power than me.

I'm still negotiating every transaction, empowered by the belief that the other party is a free agent and can always walk away or make a counteroffer. 

I still believe that I am worthy. Of quality goods or services at a price I can afford; and of compensation that matches my talent, credentials and the value or benefits I bring to the table.

But there are two big differences between buying and selling.


The first is supply. Unlike when I'm shopping and there are 100 other boutiques or plumbers or airlines around the corner. When I'm selling, I'm lucky if there are 3 clients around the corner. For now, at least.

How does that limited supply change things?

Well, most businesses I deal with don't "eject" clients. (At least, maybe I've never gotten drunk or naked enough. In public. Next to minors. While shouting obscenities in French.) But clients eject businesses all the time. So once I have a client, I work very hard to keep her. I'd be willing to go to certain lengths to offer exceptional value to a returning customer -- including discounting my services for the right project/client or offering extra services as an occasional perk.

Second, I have to be very thoughtful about pricing services. That's different from when I'm buying, because I already know the value of most things (and if I don't, a few moments on Google yield the answer). How much I spend depends on my budget, how much I want or need the item, and how much the market and merchant are asking. But when I'm selling, my price is a function of what I can bring to the table, how much time or effort I invest -- but ALSO on their budget, how much they want or need the item, and how much the market is charging. Too. Many. Variables. Aaaaaaa!

Putting it all together, here are two big two takeaway points:


When you're buying, leverage the seller's insecurities.


1) Limited supply of clients and effort to line up new business

Next time you're reevaluating your expenses on a cell phone, salon, or shrink, remember: you're worth a lot more as an existing+future client than a potential client. So if they know what's good for them, they'll work extra hard to keep your business. In fact, the best time to ask for a discount or break might actually be after you're their client, not before!


2) Concerns they are overcharging


Don't underestimate the power of this line: "I'll be honest: I'm considering working with one of your competitors  I like what you have to offer, but can you come down on the price?"

When you're selling, channel the buyer's confidence.


Remember what it's like to be a buyer and use those same skills to sell. Protect your assets, maximize the value you obtain, and be confident that if you've done your homework about the market and you know the benefits you bring to the table, then you're worth every penny you charge.


If you can bargain down a car or get 10 percent off at Marshall's for a skirt with a stuck zipper, there's NO reason you can't also be great at asking for more money at work. Juts flip the mental switch and get in seller negotiation mode. It's really the same thing as buying -- only you end up with more money in your pocket at the end of the day!

image: My Parents Were Awesome

When seeking retail discounts, attitude is everything

I took the day off work yesterday and went shopping with Gem. We had some last minute Christmas presents to find and we wanted to catch up after we each had our share of stories to tell. So after a stop for coffee and tea, we hit a few cute local boutiques.

The first one we stopped in, Pretty Please, had a fabulous array of earrings. As I inspected the offerings I realized I could finish all my shopping right there, at that counter! Gorgeous wares, low effort and a reasonable price? Fa-la-la-la-la!

As I lined them up on the counter, I asked the saleswoman, "If I get a few pairs could you give me a little break? I don't know, whatever price you think is fair."

It was basically reflex, since the prices were already not that bad. Yet I considered that I was buying almost half a dozen, and they were surely marked up enough for the store to make a nice profit.

Why not try?

"How many pairs are you getting?" she wondered.

"Let's see...

One pair for Gem.

One pair for my sister.

One pair for a cousin.

One pair for another friend.

And one pair for... me.

Five pairs. No pressure, just thought I'd see."

"Sure, I can do something."

When she rang me up, my jaw dropped. She gave me four pairs at about 30 percent off, and one pair full price. 

"You are so sweet! Thanks! I almost didn't ask, because I was thinking that the price is great and they're presents, but I figured why not... if you're earning what you want on them and I can stretch my dollars a little, we're both happy, right? Thanks so much! I will totally be back."

"It's totally cool you asked, and I hope you come back soon. You know," she added, "from our perspective it's all about the attitude."

"What attitude?"

"It's how you ask. You were relaxed and friendly. It wasn't like you were expecting it."

"Give me a discount NOW!" I joked.

"Yeah. You were sweet about it. We like helping people who are nice."

Score one more for the smile approach.

For more about attitudes and moods while asking, here's a scientific/statistical write-up from my year of daily asking: http://thedailyasker.blogspot.com/2009/07/ask-o-logy-how-to-ask.html (scroll down to bolded questions 3 and 4.)

For tips on how to ask in a variety of settings, here's a 3-part series, called 44 Easy Asks: http://thedailyasker.blogspot.com/2010/11/44-easy-asks.html

And for a history of earrings, check out the blog where I found that photo: http://professorices.blogspot.com/2005/07/history-of-earrings.html

[image credit: http://professorices.blogspot.com]

How to score a discount on a wedding dress

Months before the dress shopping journey, when we first sat down and drew up a budget, Mr. A and I put down $1000 as target. In all honesty, I expected mine to cost $200. I'd find it on sale at Nordstrom Rack. Simple. Basic. Classy. Who'd be crazy enough to buy a dress that will cost her $600 an hour to wear it?

Apparently, I am.

Because after all those resolutions, I saw the dress.

THE DRESS.

Swooooon.

Ok, here's how this happened. I'd already been to three places and nothing called out to me. I tried on everything from statuesque, flowy Grecian gowns to a slinky Marylin Monroe get-up to traditional a-lines and lacey senorita looks. Some were blah, some were quite lovely, but nothing was moi.

One afternoon, on a whim, I stumbled into an upscale bridal retailer. I had 30 minutes to spare between meetings in the area, they had no appointments at the time (it was that kind of place, with appointments and consultations and basically way above my budget) so I figured, why not. Try on something that costs as much as a car in India. Live a little.

And of course, that's where I saw the dress.

$2,300. Plus $400 for alterations and $300 for a veil and shoes?

Divided by 5 hours? You do the math.

Still drooling, I made a mental note of the brand, went home and started a bigtime Google campaign. For weeks I tried to find it for a better price. No luck. I tried on other dresses at more affordable and even similarly priced stores, doing everything I could to forget it. No go. Finally, I called back and asked if they could come down on the price. I explained that it's waaaaay above my budget but I love it. Any hope?

And just like that, she offered to sell the sample for half price.

I went in and tried it on again, to be sure.

She told me the dress had been worn cumulatively for an hour.

It was spotless, and with a cleaning it would be like new.

But I hesitated. It was still a lot.

And then I remembered what she said. "We're closed Thursday, because we need to prepare for a major sale Friday."

So I asked: "If I buy it tonight, can you already give me the sale price?"

Here's what she answered: "Yes. But please. Go home, sleep on it, and we'll hold it for you until tomorrow."

And that is how I ended up buying an almost-new $2300 dress for $800. Still more than my Nordstrom Rack fantasy gown, but perfect in every way.

Here's what I learned:

1. Give yourself plenty of time. Rushing brides have zero power.

2. Be upfront about your budget. At every place I went, I told them my budget and every single retailer was willing to come down on the price. Paying sticker is completely unnecessary. Just fyi. :)

3. If you're buying veil, shoes etc, don't forget to negotiate. I decided not to buy accessories yet, but I would have tried to get the total down if I was buying everything at once. Hopefully I can still work a better price for the extras, to keep the whole combo under our target.

4. Comparison shop to death. Sometimes a discount retailer has the same dress for $200 less, two hours away. (I saw this with other brands, but not mine.) Worth it? You decide. But at least you have the option. Also, tons of websites have used/sample/discount dresses, and either you shop there or use that as a bargaining chip.

5. Be honest with yourself. I thought an understated white cocktail dress from a department store was right for me, but once I tried on a few frillier dresses, I discovered I wanted something more conventional. So be it.

6. But remember that it's just a few hours. Just one night. I say this because I wasn't willing to pay more than what I did. Maybe a little more -- but definitely not sticker price on that dress.

Bottom line: Every bridal retailer, from the discount warehouse type to three luxury boutiques, was willing to come down on the price -- sometimes even before I asked. Hey, even 10 percent is something. And if you're willing to make compromises, you can find some really sweet deals.

[image credit: ffffound.com]

44 easy asks (part III)

...and now, the final installment.

31. When you're not convinced by a charge, bill total, line item, explanation for service/treatment, etc.

"I noticed there's a 2% convenience charge on my bill. We didn't talk about that before the oil change. What's this for?" (Next: move to strike.)

"Hi, I'm a little confused. Why is the total $84? Maybe I didn't add it up right?"

"Would you mind talking me through this bill? I'm not understanding how the services break down."

You won't look like a miser for making sure you're not being overcharged. Moreover, you have every right to know where your dollars are going. For some reason, it took me a while to get over this. Now I ask whenever I have doubts.

32. When something is fishy or concerning:

"Did you lose something?" (To the man looking through your neighbor's rose bushes -- inspired by a true story!)

"Excuse me, can you tell me where the highway is?" (To the woman with an Alzheimer's ID necklace crossing the street alone, to make sure she knows where she is or prep an offer to help.)

33. When someone around you is being mistreated:

"Could you be more gentle? My daughter's arms are very tender from all the blood samples and IVs."

"You keep yelling at everyone. Do you need some time to yourself?"
"Do you think it's ok to sell people chairs that fall apart after the first day? My husband works hard for every dollar and when he pays $40 for a chair, he hopes it will last at least a week."

Asking, here, is a gentler way to address a problem than pointing a finger and accusing someone. I'm not saying it's the only way, or appropriate if something awful is unfolding before your eyes. But it's one more option, and a potentially lighter touch that can also be effective.

34. When someone around you is struggling:

"How can I help?"

35. When asking would make your life easier and not cost the other party anything:

"Do you have Verizon? Great! Could I use yours for a quick call to my sister, who's on Verizon, so she can pick me up, nice stranger on bus?"

36. When it would make your life easier (or someone else's) even if it's inconvenient for the other party:

"Can we meet tomorrow instead?"

"Can you open another checkout stand?"

"Can your store assemble this for us?"

"Could you please not speak so loudly?"

"Can you please bring some cups to the party?"

"Can you mark things more clearly so others don't make the same detour?"

Asking can clarify a lot of confusions, since maybe the other part doesn't mind accommodating you in the least. This is valuable in both retail and non-retail contexts.

36. When something is really annoying you:

"Do you think you could stop talking so loudly/drumming your fingers/leaving your laptop that loud? Everyone else is trying to sleep. I don't mean to be 'that crazy uptight lady,' but we're all just exhausted."

If you're nice and not demeaning, chance are the other person didn't realize she was being offensive. And if she did realize it, your friendly attitude will make it easier for her to withdraw while saving face, instead of digging her heels in.

37. Whenever you can swing a (humorous?) customized discount:

"Could I get an end of the day discount?"

"Grad student overdraft fee forgiveness program?" 

"Do you have an 'I love your chairs but I can't afford them' sale?"

 

Basically, this involves reading the situation and making a sweet/amusing request for a better price.

38. When you're a regular:

Nonchalant:  "Malissah, hey! So you got those new scarves in? Loooove 'em, girl! So, give me the dirty truth: What's the best price you can give me? You know I never pay retail here. Hahaha!"

Candid: "Sam, I've been coming here for years and you know more about my finances and sex life than my sister does at this point, so I have to ask you something: Can you give me a break on highlights for a while? I just can't afford $80 every six weeks, ever since I started working part time.." [Perhaps Sam would rather keep you at $50 than lose your business entirely, hoping you'll stick with him when your budget is better.]

39. When you've really hit it off with the salesperson:

"Hey there. Welcome to Magical Mittens!"

"Hi! How long have you guys been open on Saturday mornings?"

"We just opened last weekend."

"Really? Congrats! It's such a smart move, since I'm always walking by on weekends. I'm going to tell all my friends."

"Awesome, thanks!"

Later:

"Oh, these gloves are adorable. What are the chances you'd let me have them for $30?"

40. When you can turn the salesperson into an ally:

"I need to find a wedding present for my boss, and I have $100 to spend, I know most of the things in your gorgeous store cost more, but this is her favorite boutique. Maybe I could get her two smaller things, or... what do you think? I'd appreciate any suggestions."

"What colors does she like? What's her home style like?"

"She's always wearing blue, and her husband-to-be is a sailor."

"We just got in the cutest blue candlesticks, shaped like anchors. I bet they'd love them. They're over $100, but I'll see what I can do about the price. We have a sale starting tomorrow -- let me check if these are included."

41. When you can offer something in exchange: 

"Any way you can help bring this price down? I'd love to tell my Facebook friends or tweet about you or whatever, to say thanks." (disclaimer: I have never offered blog publicity in exchange for a discount. I have offered to spread the word to friends or Yelp if someone is generous.)

42. When you really, really need something and money (or access or ability or permission) is an obstacle:

(This is different from having a discretionary budget. This is about urgent needs.)

"I need to get back inside the terminal. I left my ID inside the plane. Please let me in, or send someone for it? Is there anything you can do?"

"I'm sorry but TSA regulations stipulate --"

"I'm about to give birth! And my car just drove itself into a hydrant! And my house is on fire! This is urgent!

"Ok, come this way."

The bottom line is this: if something needs to happen, asking is a smart place to start.

43. When the other party has nothing to lose:

"You quit? Congratulations!"

"F*ck this joint."

"Totally. So listen, I can finally ask you for this favor. Tell me how much Frank earns, please!? You have access to the payroll data, don't you?"

44. When the other party has something to gain:

"I really love this car, and you are $4,000 away from breaking the record for a Sunday night. How about you sell it to me for $4,001. Hell, $4,002. And then we can both go home satisfied?"

The list has grown since I started:

45. When you're dealing with an aggressive asker:

"Can you bring me a coke?"

"Can you move the car?"

"Can you give me $100?"

"Can you listen to me complain about my job for 2 hours?" 

If someone else asks you for things repeatedly, it's only fair to reciprocate. :)

46. When you've been asked:

"I can't lower the price to $200, but how about I give you free delivery?"

"I can't drive you after home after Thanksgiving, but can I give you Rupert's number? She's lives that way."

"Why do you think this desk is worth less than $50?, even if it is Craigslist."

47. When you're asking for someone else:

"My mom would love a table by the fireplace."

48. When you're buying any kind of package:

"Let's see, so for the consultation and plan you're charging $200, the project management is $200, your time and labor after that is $1200. That's $1600. I need you to give me a better price."

49. When you've seen others asking for the same thing, even if you hesitate for some reason:

"Can we get an extra chair for our purses?"

"Can I take off the Friday after Thanksgiving?"

(If other patrons, or your friends, or coworkers, ask for something, why shouldn't you?)

50. When you have the hunch that it just can't hurt to try:

Sometimes an issue seems complicated, but it's so, so, so simple. Just go for it!

"Can I ask you a question?..."

"Is there anything you can do to lower this price?"

"Any chance x could become y?"

"Would you mind if I...?"

NOTES:

These can and should be combined! Read people, read situations, get context, get experience, and get creative.

I left out "please" and "thank you," but these are a must. I'm not just talking about old fashioned courtesy (which is underrated) but also genuine appreciation. If someone goes out of his or her way for me, I'm grateful and I show it.

Remember that the other party can always say no, so leave the guilt at the door. (If you think that's not the case, and you're in a position of power or at an unfair advantage, skip asking.)

Many of these methods require some discernment. For example, taking advantage of a going-out-of-business warehouse sale when the owner is desperate to make ends meet and pay his mortgage, versus getting a great discount from a powerhouse liquidator who's jacking up prices preemptively and putting people out of work. Use your judgment, savvy reader. Ask responsibly.

And remember: You're worth it!!! Ask away!!

In too many cases, there's no good reason not to.

And if you're not getting enough rejections, you're probably not reaching far enough.

44 easy asks (part II)

...continued from yesterday. Final installment coming tomorrow:

16. When you're buying the floor model:

"If I get the floor model, what kind of discount could you give me?"
"I'm on a budget, but I'd be willing to buy the floor model if you gave me a better deal." (Show you're giving something up -- deliverance from hundreds of fingerprints -- for a better price.)
 
17. When the number is easily down-roundable.

Farmer's market peaches, $2.12: "Can we make it $2?"
Used bookstore, four books, $22.99 total: "Would you accept an even $20?"
Adorable coral colored sandals at a small boutique, $74: "How about $70?"
(Less likely to work at big box or department stores, but far from impossible at boutiques, smaller stores.)


18. When you're paying cash:

Vague: "Could we do a cash discount?"
Specific: "Argh, I only have $32. Would that be ok?"

(At the start of the Daily Asker experiment, I sometimes used the cash line to avoid paying sales tax, which can certainly add up on bigger ticket items: "Can you skip the sales tax? I can pay cash if that makes it easier." But I've stopped. I live in California, where the budget is in such a shambles it feels kind of dirty to skip out -- especially since the state,  unlike a merchant, isn't standing at the cash register and able to make a counteroffer when I ask for no tax.)

19. When you're buying on Craigslist:

"Since this is Craigslist, would you take $80?"
(I usually offer 20 to 25 percent less than the asking price.)

20. When a sale just ended or is about to start:

Apologetic: "I just found out your sale/monthly special/2-for-1 dinner promo ended Wednesday but I totally thought it was still going on! I looooove this divan/salon/restaurant but I was really drawn to the discounted price. Is there anything you can do?"

Forward thinking: "I love this table, but I was wondering, do you think I could get the sale price already? I'm not going to be in town next weekend and I'd love to buy this now."

21.  When the askee has a supervisor:


"Could you give me yesterday's sale price, today?"
"I'm sorry, but the sale is over."
"Would you mind asking your manager? You can tell her I'm really interested in this table, I don't need delivery and I'd be really grateful!"

"Could I have free text messaging for the next six months, since you guys overcharged me for the new line I added?"
"I can't, I'm sorry. Once we removed the mistaken charge, there's nothing more I'm authorized to do."
"I see. Well, could I ask your supervisor? Not to complain about you, don't worry -- I'm just a big believer in asking!"

22. When a product has been sitting on a shelf so long there's a blanket of dust around it:

"Wow! I've seen these earrings here since last winter! Is that the same pair? I tried them on right before Christmas. Don't you want to finally get rid of them? I can't afford $400, but if you can work with my budget I'll walk out with them today."

23. When they roll out new merchandise (or discontinue an old product):


"Your new cameras are in! Perfect! So would does than mean you're dropping the price of old models by half?"
"Um, no."
"How about 20 percent?"

"How sad you're closing. I loved Circuit City. [small talk, then ask:] Could I have these shelves for $50 -- two for one?" (Beware that some liquidators drive hard bargains -- so talk to the manager or combine with other techniques. Don't give up. Let your inner asker roar.)

24. When demand is generally low and/or supply is high:

Examples: a garage sale where nothing has sold for hours (and you know since you drove by that morning); a craigslist item, from a mirror to an apartment, that has been posted and reposted; a late model car when new inventory has rolled in. No need to say anything explicit about the high supply, though you can.

"Hmm, this belt piqued my curiosity, but I can't decide if I just want it or truly need it [targeting seller's desire to finally land a buyer]... Do you think you could drop the price to $20?"

25. When they're out of a product you want:

 

"I'd like the grilled salmon/maserati/queen master suite/merlot/toshiba."
"I'm sorry, we're sold out of that."
"Oh noooo! I love that salmon/car/room/wine/gadget. Hmm... Let me see your other options... do you think I could get this instead?"
"Of course."
"For the same price?"

26. When there's a special occasion:

"It's our anniversary. Do you have any special discounts or perks to help us celebrate?"

27. When you have an expired coupon:

"I realize this just expired -- but can you still apply it, please?"

28. When the merchant might have a coupon you don't:

"Do you have any coupons behind the counter you could apply? Anything to help get the price down a little?"

29. When you're buying two (or more) items at a huge price differential.

"Since I'm getting this laptop, printer and desk chair, would you throw in a cartridge for free?"

30. When you're the first customer of the day, in China (so I've heard):

Sorry, I don't speak Chinese.

Part three, here.

image credit: funnyjunk.com

44 easy asks

If you're not comfortable asking, or interested in getting started but unsure how/when/where, here are 44 easy opportunities for asking, which crop up on a day to day basis. If you have your eyes open, that is. I've provided an example for each.

Here are the first 15. The rest, tomorrow and Friday.

1. When something goes wrong, ask for vague compensation:


"I talked to four customer service agents and none of them was able to fix my problem. Now you finally tell me it's a computer glitch, after I spend two hours to try to fix this. Is there anything you can do to take away the sting?"

2. When something goes wrong, ask for specific compensation:

"It took the waiter 20 minutes to take our orders and then he brought us the wrong food. While we're waiting for the right dishes, how about you throw in a round of drinks?"

3. At the end of any transaction, open-ended question:

"Anything you can do bring this price down a little?"

4. At the end of any transaction, specific question:

"Could you knock off 10 percent?"

5. When you have a bank fee, a late fee, a service charge. Repeat after me:

"I know I made a booboo/I know it's part of the terms/I understand that's your policy, but could you please just knock off the fee as a courtesy? I would be incredibly grateful." (Nevermind that "convenience fees," "service charges" and their ilk are shameless consumer ripoffs. That doesn't stop me from disingenuous ass kissing if it 23 words will save $35.)

6. When you're buying more than the typical minimum:

"Since I'm buying 3/staying for a week/bringing the whole family, can you come down on the price?"

7. When you're buying a ton in the merchant's eyes:

"Can you do a bulk discount?" For example, for my fiance's birthday, two years in a row I negotiated a discount since I bought so much takeout: "I'd like you to cater my boyfriend's surprise party. I'm interested in ordering food and dessert for 12, but before I do I want to know if you can work with me on the price." This strategy probably won't work with a big-time caterer.

8. When you have a vague budget:

"I love it, but it's more than I can afford. Is there any flexibility on the price?"

9. When you have a specific budget:

"I love it, but I promised myself I wouldn't spend more than $20. Can you knock off that extra buck?"

10. When a product is cheaper elsewhere (or online):

"I saw the same lawnmower in a Home Depot ad for $249, but I love Ace Hardware. Can you give it to me for the lower price?" (Last minute price checks on a smartphone can come in hand here.)

11. When you're generally shopping around:

"I'm interested in buying a lawnmower and comparing options. I've seen something at Target and on Craigslist, but if you make me a good deal I'd love to conclude this today."

12. When the merchant's website has cheaper prices:

"Before you ring me up do you mind seeing if it's cheaper on your website? I know you guys honor your online price, which is an awesome policy."

13. Whenever there's no price tag:

"How much would you like for this armoire?"
"$800."
"Would you take $600?"
(Note: This is old news, but remember to let the seller make the first move.)

14. When you've done your homework:

"How much would you like for this armoire?"
"$800."
"Really?! But that's an imitation built no earlier than 1952, which merely looks like the older 1920s model you seem to be passing it for. Look at this red marking -- made in China. So really, it's worth around $200. Would you give it to me for that?"
"$200 is too little. Look at the quality."
"Imitation quality -- but it is an attractive piece. Let's meet in the middle, since it's hardwood but still a knockoff. How about $450?"

15. When you merely appear to have a good reason to lower the price:

"How much for this armoire?"
"$800."
"$800. Hmm... the problem is that I like the look, but but it's not all hardwood... Would you be willing to drop the price and make the decision easier for me?" [when in fact nothing in your home is hardwood, but the seller doesn't know you're not hung up on that. You've identified a believable flaw and that's a good enough bargaining chip.]

On to Part Two.

[image credit: ffffound.com]

10 questions every patient advocate should ask during a loved one's hospital stay

I didn't intend this to be a medical blog, and if my reports about asking in a hospital context aren't your cup of coffee, please accept my apologies and check back later. My hope is that writing about my experiences here may help others, if and when they or their loved ones go through something like this.

Today we found out more bad news. Tata has congestive heart failure, one of a series of complications that will keep him in the hospital longer than expected. From what I understand, this means his heart is swollen and weakened. I don't know what the implications are.

I asked the nurse for details. I asked for an explanation. I asked for treatment options and finally I braced myself and asked what "failure" means. "Are we talking a week, six months? Please don't spare my feelings. I need to know."

"Please can live with with this for 20 years!" the nurse tried to reassure me.

Unconvinced, La Sorella and I took off from the hospital for a breather and we called our mother.

You may think I'm a bold or thoughtful asker, but my mama is the paragon of inquisitive acuity.

After reading Women Don't Ask and starting this blog, I told her how exciting asking can be. "Of course," she answered, as if I'd just informed her humans breathe oxygen.

When my grandmother was in the hospital for heart surgery two years ago, my mom kept tabs on every lab test, every exam, every clinical consultation. Today, my grandma is strong as an ox. Well, a petite ox-ette with big brown eyes and superhuman luck at bingo. I consider this a miracle, since she was teetering on the precipice of death in that hospital room, and I hold my mom largely responsible. My grandmother too, of course, for wanting to live with every ounce of her tiny body. But without mom's attention and zealous case management, who knows what the outcome would have been.

Here is what she told me.

1. Get a Baseline

At the start of the stay, ask for a copy of the results of baseline labwork: lipid panel, blood sugar, hemoglobin, x-rays, ct scan, vitals, and/or whatever is relevant to establish the patient's state at admission. This is both for your information and to make sure they're performing these critical initial tests.

2. Daily Documentation

Every day you should ask for a copy of all the patient's labs, all tests, all medications, input and output, temperature, medications, everything that's being tracked. Next of kin are entitled to these printouts, and you need to be reviewing new information before every doctor's meeting. Store these in a folder.

3. Procedures and Exams

Operation or exam? Learn what anesthetic will be used and why this was chosen over another one; learn what will be done and why, what organs and systems are involved, what the potential complications are, how this fits in the treatment plan and what next the course of action is. For every test, find out who assigned it and who's interpreting it.

4. What's Abnormal?

Whenever you get a new lab or exam result, ask the nurse or physician to point out what values are abnormal and keep a log. Also ask for context, explanations, course of action: How much out of the ordinary? Why did this happen? What could this be signalling? Is this concerning? How do we approach this? And ask about patterns -- getting worse or better? Maybe it's nothing to worry about -- but if it is, you should know.

5. Prescription Explanations?

Ask "why?" for every medication (or change in dosage). Jot that down.

6.  Turn to the Internet

Ask google books for info. For every diagnosis, investigate the differential diagnosis (what the feasible alternatives are). For every chosen treatment, find out what other choices are out there. For every prescription, learn the side effects. For every procedure, learn about post-op healing and complications. (Some websites are useful, but be careful what the source is and how reliable it is. I think medical textbooks are more reliable.

7. Diet and Physical Therapy

Ask the food staff what kind of diet the patient is on, and make sure it's consistent with the patient profile. Heart surgery? Low sodium. Diabetic? Low sugar. Weak lungs? Ask the physical therapist how the patient is breathing during the exercise sessions.

8. Doctors' Rounds

During meetings with doctors ask for explanations when you don't understand something. Ask for context with answers seem unidimensional. Seek to understand the big and little picture. And ask how every step is fitting into the overall treatment plan.

9. Dig Deeper

If you get a qualitative answer, ask for context:

"He's doing great." "Better than yesterday? Better than others with this condition?"

"His physical therapy didn't go so well." "Worse than yesterday? Worse given his new medication, which should have helped his circulation?"

If you get a vague answer, ask for specifics.

"It's very common." "What percent of people who had this operation get this complication?"

"You shouldn't worry, it's at the beginning stages." "What are the stages, and where does he fall?"

"We're monitoring it." "What are you looking for? What are your alarm signals?"

10. Ask the Patient!

This is the most important one, and something that overrides everything here. Unless the patient can't communicate or think for him or herself, remember that it's not your call. I found myself talking about "him" -- my dad -- right in front of my dad! It's so easy to see someone weak and vulnerable and want to step in and make decisions. To be helpful and competent. Many times, it's valuable to intervene. But no matter what, the patient needs to be involved in that conversation. Ask him how he feels -- that simple question can lead to valuable insights. And remember that ultimately the patient is the one who decides if he can handle the next level of physical therapy, wants another painkiller, will or won't go through with surgery, or prefers vanilla or chocolate pudding.

Closing thoughts:

Perhaps some readers in the medical profession will consider these questions inconvenient. "All these sisters and wives and fathers think they're doctors now that they have google. Second guessing, making me waste my time with elementary definitions." There is some truth to that. Trying to prove your expertise or acting like the medical staff are pulling a fast one on you isn't the way to go. But seeking information, showing you're aware at every juncture and making sure that all parts of the very complex medical organism treating your beloved patient are communicating and doing their best -- is.

When I got back to the hospital, I requested my dad's case history. The nurse said I need to go through the medical records office, which opens tomorrow at 8. And then he said, "When I was in the hospital, I asked a ton of questions. Why are you doing this? What is that medicine for? People around here don't do a lot of asking. They're trained to think of medical professionals as gods. It's great you're asking. It's so important."

[image credit: ffffound.com]

And all she had to do was ask

 

Today, at approximately 7:10 p.m., I did something not so nice.

I was at Trader Joe's and I had a small basket of items, and there was an abandoned cart full of stuff, hovering by the checkout line. The guy in front of it was paying, so I waited a bit longer and when no one showed up, I moved forward and prepared to unload my stuff.

When from behind me, I heard a shrill voice.

"Well GEE, that was nice!"

I turned around and saw a woman looking at me like I was the cheerleader who had stolen her boyfriend, the roommate who stealth snacked on her ice cream, the grad student who just 'borrowed' a few ideas from a labmate's email and put her name on the presentation.

A thief.

I had stolen her spot, while she was picking up a few items she'd forgotten.

It took me a second to react, because -- small world -- I thought I recognized her! Surprised, I took a closer look and saw it wasn't my old boss, but wow -- the resemblance was uncanny. And by the time I snapped out of it and started to move, she was gone, muttering something.

  

Yes, I cut.

No, I didn't get out of the way instantly.

But what if she'd said:

"Hey, thanks for watching my stuff -- can I hop back in now?"

"Excuse me, I was here before and I ran to get these lentils."

"Hi. Can I get back in line?"

"Are you in a rush? [No.] Then can I go? I've had a long day."

"The cashier didn't tell you? I asked him to hold my spot while I grabbed these."

Instead, she yelled and was sarcastic and I, surprised, didn't rush to oblige. She huffed away and I felt slimy.

What if she'd assumed we weren't antagonists (and recognized her cart at the front of the line was not a sacrosanct placeholder). What if she made it easy to resolve the situation in her favor?

I guess the lesson of sorts I'm extracting from this situation is what to do when someone pulls a fast one on me -- cuts me in line, gives me the wrong change, forgets (or "forgets") to follow up on something, does something jerky (or seemingly jerky). Sometimes I need to stick up for myself and shout GEE! But other times giving them an out, letting them save face, assuming they didn't mean to hurt me, asking for the desired outcome rather than threatening or demanding it, and generally making it easy rather than hard (emotionally, socially, physically, who knows how else?) to reach a positive resolution may be the best course of action.

Free valet parking -- now? How timing your askings right can bring better results

This weekend, I was in Portland, Oregon for two fun filled days. Mr. A and I snagged the tickets during a crazy Southwest Airlines sale all the way back in June, when October seemed like a hypothetical crouching somewhere over the horizon.... That is, until our flight hit this Saturday morning at 6 a.m., leaving us little time for suitcases and planning between cascading work deadlines --

But it all worked out. We had a great time. La Sorella drove down from Seattle. We cupped coffee at Stumptown and sampled taco trucks and plundered Powell's Books for some amazing reads. And... I asked for free valet parking. Here's the how (and why):

I'd reserved a discounted hotel room on Hotwire which didn't include the $20/night valet parking. Our hotel, the Avalon, seemed far below capacity, at least judging from the parking lot. On Saturday, we went about our business, and when we go back that night around 2:30, it was raining. And the lot was still almost empty. To be safe, instead of the lot we parked on the sidewalk just outside the hotel -- what luck! there was a spot! -- and checked that there were no signs. It looked clear. To be extra safe, I ducked inside and asked the parking valet if there was streetsweeping, a permit, or any hidden reason why we should move.

"You should have no problems," he answered.

I turned around to tell the others to leave the car and come inside, when he ran after me with this update: "Actually, my manager says you can't park there. It's a private way."

"I see. Ok."

Outside, we conferred: Was it really a private way or was that just a line? After all, his first answer was to say we could park there -- wouldn't he know the deal? Would they tow us if we left it there? Did we really want to go for street parking, which entailed a 10 minute walk in the rain? But pay $20 when the lot was empty, when we wouldn't pay $20 when the lot was full? No way.

We were about to pull away in the car when I pulled away from the group.

"Be right back!"

I walked up to the manager.

"Hi, how are you?"

"I'm good, thanks. How can I help you?"

"I'm the one who was asking about parking a car outside, and here's the thing: Can we just please leave it on the sidewalk overnight, since it's late and your lot isn't full? For free?"

"What kind of car do you have?"

"A black Ford."

"Is it a hybrid?"

"No."

"Darn, because we have free parking for hybrids."

"Argh, that's nice, but it's not a hybrid. Do you think.... we can just move it inside the lot, please?"

"Why don't you want to park on the street, up the hilll? It's not far."

"Honestly, because it raining, it's late, and I'm not going to pay $20 when there are free spots, and I'm just feeling lazy. I could walk back in the rain but I just want to go up to bed and curl up and fall asleep."

She nodded, smiled and agreed -- but only for one night. We left the keys with the valet and headed upstairs for a very good night's sleep.

Saved: 10 minutes the rain and/or $20. So worth it, for this Southern California girl.

Here's a post-asking takeaway reflection:

It seems like a positive story -- avoided rain, avoided spending $20 and got to bed sooner. And the manager was certainly kind. But after the fact, I realize that I didn't play my cards right.

The more you seem you want something, the less bargaining power you have. This is Asking 101, but what's interesting, to me, is how this axiom can sneak up on you.

Sometimes, it's easy to avoid showcasing your desire. What's harder is realizing when you're projecting desire inadvertently. When your situation tacitly or implicitly betrays your desire or need. And, most importantly, when you've backed yourself into a corner and need or desire something, when you might not have otherwise.

In this situation, I put myself at a tactical disadvantage.

I walked in wet and tired.

It was clear that I reeeeally wanted that free, convenient parking.

And it was clear to the manager that one night of free, convenient parking for me was worth a lot -- perhaps what two or three nights might value, for someone else.

What if I'd opted for a different route: Called ahead and asked for 2 nights of free parking as I weighed different hotel options? Or asked, casually, while checking in? In fact, I never hesitate to ask a hotel for an extra little perk I might need or desire. Many hotels strive to accommodate, especially in this economy. And when you're asking in advance, you're the opposite of needy -- you're discerning and empowered. This time, it just didn't occur to me.

So timing is one thing to consider is when you're asking. While the inconvenience or cost to the other party might be the same earlier or later, the perceived benefit to you if you ask later is sometimes greater -- so the value is greater. Asking a friend for a lift to the airport the next morning seems last minute and desperate -- so countes a hefty favor. Asking someone 2 weeks ahead seems like a piece of cake.

(On the flipside, just to cover all our bases, sometimes last minute asking can pay off royally, too. "Hi, do you have any rooms left over/parking places I could use/extra cream cheese to throw in with my package -- since it's the end of the day/week/season?")

I loved Portland, by the way. Anyone else out there?

[image source -- in time for Halloween: ToonPool.com]

How to ask for an A -- and get it

Gulp.

I've hesitated publishing this post, since it goes against nearly everything I believe in, but here goes.

For a few years in grad school, I taught a handful of courses. Sometimes I was a TA, and others I was the instructor, doling out grades on my own (which were then subject to a professor's review and approval). And in that process I learned two things about students and grades:

1. There is definitely a right way and a wrong way to ask for a better grade.

2. It's rarely the ones who need a boost who do the asking. If I had a nickel for every time someone with an A- whined about it...

Since this is my first September in 25 years I'm NOT GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!! as a student or a teacher, I thought I'd take one for the team. Both teams. Students and teachers. And teach students. How to ask for a better grade. Without annoying, pestering, infuriating, insulting or otherwise bothering their instructors.

Not only that. I've asked for feedback from a bunch of my friends through a Facebook thread. They are a group of professors who have taught at schools across the country including U.C. Berkeley, U.C.L.A., Wake Forest University and Cornell.

Ready, class? I give you:

Grade Pumping 101

PRELIMINARIES

1. Remember that your professor or TA owes you nothing. You aren't his or her boss. You aren't buying your degree. You're merely paying for the privilege of an earning a degree from your institution by enrolling a course of study that includes your professor's class. Repeat after me: I AM NOT ENTITLED.

2. Study your target. A few profs said they will reevaluate your entire assignment or exam, which can result in a lower grade. Are you prepared to face that consequence? Other profs detest grade grovelers so much they'll write you off for the rest of the semester. "I'm absolutely allergic to students asking for higher grades," says one. "I certainly put them under more scrutiny after asking." A rare few might admire your pep. Ask around. Read the person, not just the textbook.

3. Remember that professors are people. Which means some of the same principles of asking apply in this setting, too. See this page for a crash course.

IN THE ACTUAL CONVERSATION OR EMAIL

1. If you're making your request over email (not a bad idea -- written records are good for prof and student alike), use your university address. Says one disenchanted professor: "Why must I receive something from 'pimpskater69' (no joke) at hotmail?" [email adjusted to protect student's privacy.]

2. Always use a salutation. Not "hey professor," which several respondents said they actually received. "Just because you wrote it on your iPhone doesn't mean that you can skip the pleasantries," one recommends. Another adds: "It's irked me to no end how their smart phone communication patterns seem to have erased all sense of politeness (Besides many, many 'hey professors' I've also gotten NO salutation AND NO signature. So I had to google the student's email address to even find out who was emailing me)." Not a good way to start your conversation.

3. Write, "Dear Professor Johnson, I'm conserned about my grade in your Renaissance Sonnet midterm" and be prepared to be the butt of many a joke while the professor is talking trash behind your back. (And yes, they talk about their students.) So: Spell Check!!

The fact that these professors had to remind me to ask people to spell check suggests that students don't -- even while grade groveling. Which makes me want to cry for America's future.

4. If you opt for a chat in person, don't raise the issue after class, in the library during a random run in or right when you get your assignment back. Go during office hours or make an appointment. Confesses one beleaguered academic: "I hate it when students wander into my office unannounced and expect me to be able to drop everything and talk to them for 20 minutes. You would never do that with your doctor or lawyer; don't assume your professors aren't equally scheduled, even if it looks like we're 'only' working at our computers."

5. Don't sound indignant or accuse the professor of anything untoward. Yes, some profs are vengeful cretins with mommy issues. Most are simply trying to teach you something.

6. Don't blame the TA. "The TA didn't understand my brilliant argument." "The TA was clearly biased against this point of view." "The TA hates me and can't run a section." If you have issues with the TA, a grade boosting conversation is not the time to raise them.

7. Don't bring up other students's grades. Remember when you told your mumsie, "But Madison's mom lets her have two donuts for dinner!" and she smacked you? Good.

8. Don't wait until the end of the semester or quarter to address your grade. And if you want an A- at the end of the conversation, don't set out with a C-. Be realistic. Know thy place.

9. Big no no: Being or appearing opportunistic. If you have a legitimate reason -- suspected grading error, personal tragedy that affected your work, misunderstanding the assignment, a blue screen just as you were hitting send -- asking for an adjustment or extension may be warranted. If you're just angling for a boost and curious if the prof will go for it, save yourselves both the effort and skip it. (Also: don't lie. You have no idea how obvious it is.)

10. Another: Using emotional blackmail. If there's a bigger picture -- GPA on the line and med school acceptance riding on a single final exam grade -- consider mentioning it, depending on the instructor's personality. But remember, professors have Ph.D's, which means means they probably became inured to petty manipulations during grad school.

11. Don't whine, threaten or bribe. Unless we're talking Lindt. Milk Chocolate. Truffles. Left on my doorstep in a brown bag with the word "your lost library card" written in pencil across the front.

12. Do come prepared with an argument. One that does not include the phrases "I'm usually an A student so I deserve a better grade," or "I worked very hard so I deserve an A." A professor confesses she was touched by a student's persistence and explanations that she had truly worked soooooo hard. But the student showed the professor drafts to prove her point. And she was already "the best student in the class after all." In the end, the professor gave the student an A. From an A-.

12a. If you have an A-, consider whether taking 100 hours of rewrites to transform your grade into an A will really translate into better happiness, self-worth, serenity and lifelong success, or if there's something better you could be doing. Because more than a decade out of college, I remember a few grades I got (and didn't get, alas) but they all blend together now into a happy haze. (Unless you're truly interested in the material or want to score a recommendation letter or need to boost that grade for some reason. Then toil away!)

13. Craft your argument by focusing on the assignment and conclude with the clear reason you would like a better grade. Perhaps in that section of the exam, you misunderstood the directions and, based on the way you read the passage, your essay is actually on topic. (I didn't bend under that argument, but someone else might.) Perhaps you had a problem at work and couldn't get the paper done on time and want to avoid the penalty. Perhaps you used a certain method to solve the problem and, though it's not the approach taught in lecture, you got the right answer and you're asking the professor to consider accepting it (if the exam was graded by a TA, that is). Perhaps you got sick the night of the take-home exam and you were throwing up the whole time. (But leave out those anatomical details. Sad but true, I've gotten descriptions of things I can't forget to this day.) Then, ask the professor to reevaluate your work in light of this new information.

14. Be courteous. Seriously: a little civility, consideration for the professor's time to process your request and review the material in question, an expression of regret that it's come to this, and

a dash of gratitude will go a long way, these professors said.

15. Remember that in this type of asking, as in all others, appearances count. "They absolutely need to come across as serious, super hard working, and, ultimately, deserving of what they're asking for." So do your best to be seem interested in the course material, overall. If you skip class or admit that you haven't bought the textbook, good luck.

16. If you don't have a concrete reason for raising a certain grade, a better strategy to improve your final grade is to ask the professor what you should be doing in the future. As someone who's watched several students' grades jump up by one or two full letters over the course of the semester, I can attest that those with the greatest improvements communicated with me early on, kept in touch and acted like they wanted to learn the material. Maybe you won't get an A for Effort, but your persistent commitment might be a factor in the final grade, if the professor has to make a call between a B- and C+, for example.

17. Whether or not you get what you want, say thanks!! For two reasons. First, the above point about courtesy. Second, this is the same person who will be reviewing your next exam or final grade. Professors try to stay objective -- and some have very clear numerical methods for calculating grades -- but do you really want to be taught by someone who thinks you're an moronic ingrate?

18. If you do think there's a deeper problem -- bias, incompetence, intoxication -- alert the course head or department chair.

EXTRA CREDIT:

Several professors added this impassioned plea: Don't call us Ms. or Mr. Really, do I need to be writing this? Apparently, I do. As Dr. Evil says, "I didn't spend 6 years in Evil Medical School to be called Mr.!"

Essay question: Do you have any charming or chilling stories of asking or being asked for a better grade? Spill the beans below!

Finding your negotiation style

The neighbors have been screaming all morning.

"Mamma! Why do keep asking me 'Where are you going? Who are you meeting?' Stop trying to find out everything about me!"

Muffled sounds from an older woman, and then the shrieks again.

"Maaaaamma! Leave me alone!"

Doors slam.

Silence.

**

A car stops in the middle of a narrow street and waits. And waits and waits. Behind, a line of cars grows. Manual transmission, uphill. Not fun for those drivers. Finally, a man jumps out of his Range Rover, bounds up the hill and starts screaming.

"Who the f*ck do you think you are! What ever gave you the idea that it was ok to park your *ss in the middle of the street and keep the rest of us waiting! Move NOOOOOOW! NOOOOOW!"

The car moves.

Traffic jam: finito.

**

A man tells his business partner:

"Shut up!! Why do you keep butting in? BE QUIET!!!"

The partner obliges.

**

A merchant in a food cart screams at two tourists in a language they don't understand.

"This is the part where I tell you to GO F*CK YOURSELVES! Morons!!"

The couple, German or British, by the looks of them, wander away, confused and suspecting the merchant is upset for some reason.

**

Conflict resolution, Italian style.

I'm in Rome now, and I've been amazed at the amount of yelling that happens in this city. I've been here before -- spent three summers working, and I've come back on vacation a few times since then. But either I hadn't noticed, or I've forgotten, how vocal they get here.

About traffic, and interruptions, and tourists who don't understand they can't pay with a credit card (or who knows what offense that couple committed).

But yelling is one side of the coin. The other side is the soft, subtle 'arranging' Italians do. You help my daughter find work. I'll make sure you get your building permit. Not so much a quid pro quo as loose network of accords, agreements and connections.

Not that different from America, really.

When I finished my year of daily asking and did a statistical analysis of the data, I was interested in a range of practical questions. Is it better to ask impulsively or in a planned fashion? Did I fare better when I was alone or accompanied? Is asking sweetly or aggressively more effective?

(For any newcomers to this blog since then, the results and my take on them are on this page: Ask-o-logy. I'm no statistician, but Mr. A has an advanced degree in a field that lets him spin numbers like taffy. Hint: the posts are in reverse order, so scroll to the end and move up.)

One question that developed in the first few months of asking daily, first subconsciously and eventually quite overtly, was HOW it's best to ask. Of course, the situation may dictate or suggest a method, but were there some modes generally better suited to asking success than others? Here's what I found out: I was far more successful being nice than any other approach.

(more details here). And over time, my personality as an asker developed to play up that feature. Now when I ask, I innately make eye contact, take time to establish a rapport whenever that's possible, and humanize myself and the other party. It makes all the difference.

Now I'm curious about the next frontier: What's my negotiation style? Wheeler and dealer? Charmer? Problem solver? Cooperative team member? Bossy beeyatch? So far, all I know is that I'm an asker who rarely turns No's into Yesses. I can get a discount, but only if I ask and it's given to me. I rarely push back.

That's about to change.

This weekend I'm going to venture to Naples and try my hand at negotiating in one of the city's most dangerous markets. My target: pick up a fake Louis Vuitton purse. I've heard they can sell for as little as 15 euros and look like the real thing. Will I make it? Will I get robbed blind? TBD.

What about you, gentle reader? Thinking about your style as a negotiator -- in personal relationships, professional ones, the commercial and financial worlds you deal in -- what do you think you're style is? What's your greatest weakness, and what's your biggest strength?

[image credit]

Countering a lowballer

Just yesterday I was talking to a businessman who taught me what he tells prospective clients when they say can't afford his fee.

"What part of my services would you like me to eliminate?"

I've gotten this line from merchants -- maybe I'm looking to buy a piece of furniture or something pricey. I say I can't afford $300, and the merchant leads me to the $100 room. But I don't think I've ever used that line on someone else.

"And do you just say it flat out, with that tone?" I asked.

His eyes narrowed and he repeated the phrase, cool and firm.

"What. Part. Of. My. Services. Would. You. Like. Me. To. Eliminate."

"See, I would be nervous saying that to someone."

"Why would you be?"

I had no good answer. Our conversation moved on to different topics, but those words have stayed with me. And now, I hope, with you!

[image credit]

Asking without asking

Yesterday I wrote about a woman who asked. Today I will write about one who didn't. I will also insert an unrelated picture of a sleeping puppy and my two red shoes because, Why not.

This post is on the long side, by the way, but it all adds up to a grand thesis about women and asking in the workplace... so I hope you'll sit back, plop your laptop somewhere cozy and join me for this ribald tale.

***

"I need you to do something for me."

This is how Dr. Fritz, a man who has lived in his 60-something years more that most people do in twice as many, approached me one day at a rainforest research station where the group was staying on my recent trip to Ecuador.

"...what?" I asked, intrigued, both because of the way he said it and because most of the things this environmental crusader (and serial entrepreneur and internet innovator and family man and watercolor painter and nuclear scientist and child literacy expert and stealth philanthropist) says are intriguing.

"I need you to find out if Andira has any messages for Djay," he said.

"Messages..." I repeated, confused.

Dr. Fritz giving me the backstory. The place we were staying at was staffed by Andira and her family, who have worked there for decades. Djay is Dr. Fritz's youngest son (and a friend of mine). He traveled there a few years earlier and struck up a friendship with Andira and her family. Over time, they started exchanging confidences and Andira started confessing that she could use a little money, a little more time off. It wasn't an ask per se -- rather, Djay coaxed the info out of her.

"So you need to get in there, hang out and find out if they have any secret messages. Like, I dunno, maybe they'll say they need money for an operation or something, or they can't cover their kids' tuition, or someone's car got smashed, or they're having some kind of conflict with their boss. They're scared to talk to their boss about this stuff, but we need to find out if they have any needs or complaints, so we can help out."

"Roger that. I'm the go between. Matahari. I'll do what I can to get the scoop on the d-l."

A few hours later I went into the kitchen, where Andira and her mom were spooning out portions of a tremendously moist tres leches cake destined for our dinner. I sat down at the big table, next to her.

"I just wanted to come and see what you're up to," I said. "That looks delicious."

"Oh, hi! Nice to meet you! Welcome to Ecuador!" she said.

We exchanged niceties and then, when no one was looking, I leaned in and whispered: "Do you have any messages for Djay?"

"Oh, yes! Tell him we miss him and we can't wait to see him again."

"Ok, great. Anything else?"

"Tell him he's a super guy and we really loved meeting him last time."

"Ok. Anything about you? Your family? Anything you need to tell him?"

"We're all doing well."

That was that.

I reporting my findings to Dr. Fritz: "I got nothing. No message, no request, no complaint. Nada."

"You have to try harder, La Roxy. Trust me. There is always something we can do to help. Just ask them to write a letter to Djay, and they'll put whatever concerns or need they have in that letter. We'll read the letter and give them whatever they need."

"We'll read the letter?"

"It's not private -- she'll send her request in an unsealed envelope so we can read it. It won't be a personal note: just the concerns or complaints she's afraid to air to her boss."

"Ok."

That evening, as I was sitting in the hammock reading, Andira walked by and I stopped her.

"If you have any messages for Djay, I can give them to him. Like, if there's something you want to say. Privately. You can write a note, and I'll make sure he gets it. If you are having any concerns or problems, he will receive your special message." Wink wink.

"Great! I will write him a note right away."

She disappeared, returned with an open envelope and I thought, "Bingo -- unsealed. She knows the deal."

Back in my room that night, feeling like a thief, I slid the note out of its envelope and unfolded it. It was the warmest letter you could imagine, written with thick blue ink, telling Djay how much the entire family misses him, how great it was to meet him and inviting back to Ecuador.

But where were the confessions of needing money for cancer treatments and root canals and other family tragedies? Where was the secret message??

Some people, it dawned on me, just won't ask. They're not used to it, they're not comfortable, they're scared, it doesn't dawn on them. Maybe because she was a woman, maybe because it's not cultural (yesterday's anecdote was too small a sample base to draw any generalizations), maybe because of the particularly dynamic she has with her boss.

Here's what I did. I sat down with Andira and talked to her. We talked for two hours, about life, our backgrounds, school in Ecuador and America, our jobs, our dreams. And over the course of the conversation, eventually it became clear what she needed: a new computer for her daughter, who was starting college. In the U.S., a netbook is $300. In Ecuador, it would be more than double, and the most basic laptop is more than $1,200. There was my message. She didn't ask, didn't even hint she wanted help, but encoded in the story of her life was my answer, loud and clear.

I reported this to Dr. Fritz and it's as good as done: The girl will get a new netbook.

The contrast between these two women -- the one from yesterday's post pulling me aside to ask for clothes and giggling shyly, and the other refusing to ask despite every opportunity -- is still twisting around in my brain.

There are ways of asking without asking, I realize. It's the old asker/guesser dialectic, written about brilliantly in the Guardian. If you you say "My back hurts" to your fiance, he'll give you a massage. If you say, "My computer broke down and it's six month's salary to buy a new one" to the right person, you'll get a new one. If you say, "Gee, the customer service sucks" to the right manager, you'll get a free coffee. A well-placed assertion is twice as valuable as an asking. Who you target, and the context, is as important as what you say. Plus, by stating rather than asking, and letting the other party connect the dots, you don't use up your "credit" in the same way as you would asking.

Wait a minute. Am I contradicting the entire mission of The Daily Asker? Hasn't my mission for the past two years been to hint rarely and ask explicitly, and to help others do the same?

Indeed it has been, and I remain a staunch advocate for asking. But over time, with ever new interaction, new possibilities are unfolding. Hinting isn't bad -- if it's a strategy rather than your only resort. Asking isn't the only tool, and it's the wrong tool if it doesn't get results.

The aim is to choose strategies and exert control over the outcome. What works best -- asking or hinting or guessing? For seasoned askers, these are all options. The problem is when you have no choice but to hint, through guarded conversations with passers by. When that's your only resort.

For every woman like me and, I hope, like you, dear reader -- for every asker -- there are probably 300 like the Andira. They're in our offices, in our families, in our schools. They're the ones who never complain or speak up, seek credit or promotions or recognition -- they're scared, they're uninformed, they assume they're unworthy. They are who we were before we opened our mouths and asked.

To conclude this post, I'm not asking but exhorting you to be aware of the non-askers out there and do the following. Be receptive to whatever needs they may not be expressing. If you're in a position to counsel them, encourage them to ask and reward their courage generously when their time comes.