Day 14 of 30: How can I make things right?

On Tuesday I crossed something off my moral and mental to-do list that had been gnawing at me for months.

A while back, I did some writing for a client and he explained that I didn't get it right. I sent him a revision and never heard back.


Background: beyond being a client, "Rupert" has been a friend and counselor/mentor for years. Even without the personal connection, I felt very uncomfortable to leave things hanging, but especially because of the broader context I felt especially embarrassed.

I wrote it on my white board, expecting that to motivate me: Call Rupert.

I wrote it into my cell phone agenda, hoping I'd decide to dial his number in the car, on a walk, anywhere: Call Rupert.

I stared at that command in both locations for weeks, but I stopped short every time, wondering what I'd tell him when he picked up the phone.


Should I start with an apology, or find out why he didn't like the revision, or ask if he'd been busy? Was he mad or just focusing on work? Should I start with small talk about our families, and then ask him how business is going?

Finally without a moment of premeditation or a plan, I just picked up the phone and called.

"I just wanted to tell you how embarrassed I am about how this turned out. I really wanted you to be happy and I'm sorry it wasn't want you wanted. Then I got busy with other projects and now it's February. How can I make things right?"

He was gracious as always.

He explained why the revision wasn't good either, but gave me some information I didn't have before: info about how what I wrote missed an important point and focused too much on other elements. He said I should definitely revise and send it back.


I concluded the conversation relieved and grateful. And with a post-it note with the new guidelines he gave me. Back to the drawing board!

Lost: that feeling of guilt and shame
Gained: one more chance



image: sendscraps.com

Day 13 of 30: Let others tell you no, don’t do it for them

Last weekend, an editor at one of the papers I write for wrote to me with the words every freelancer dreams of hearing: “I truly am eager for additional stories.”

On Monday (yes, last Monday -- I've been asking but not writing, apologies!!!), I sent her five ideas. The first two were the ones I thought she’d be most likely to go for: fast turnaround, right in line with the publication’s and section's goals. The third was a spinoff of Option 2, turning it into a series. I figured that if she needs stories, one remedy would be to take one idea and break it up into smaller units. Option 4 was a complete reach. I just threw it in there because I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally wanted to do it. It involved travel. To FRANCE!! I added a fifth idea I thought would be fun to learn about, just for the hell of it. The pitch started

Last resort: Here's an idea that would be harder to research, unless I found a lead on a source.

I was pretty sure she wouldn’t take it, since it would take a lot of reporting time and she needed stories now. But who knows? Maybe she hated the rest? Maybe she wanted to assign it to someone else? Whatever. I just threw it in there.

Moments later, I got her answer.

She went for Option 2. No surprise.
Option 5. Really!?
And… HOT DAMN I’M GOING TO CORSICA!!!!!!

That’s right – she went for Option 4 – the pie in the sky idea I just threw out there as an afterthought. The one I most wanted, but almost didn't include because the 'rational' voice in my head told me not to. In fact, she commissioned a series of stories based in France and Corsica, so I can more than cover the cost of travel.

Lost: nothing.
Gained: my dream articles via a European trip!

Takeaway thoughts:

All it took was an extra minute to include those sentences in the email. I was so ready not to.

Don’t overwhelm her with too many pitches.
Save some of these ideas for later
She needs stories now, and France has nothing to do with that goal.
Her budget has shrunk. There’s no way she’ll afford to assign enough stories to cover the trip’s costs.

But I left the pitch there and remembered this key tenet of asking: Don’t reject yourself. Let others do it for you. This is especially true for situations where you have little to lose and a lot to gain. What if she'd said no? No problemo.

A second key tenet, one that the authors of Women Don't Ask advance in their book, is that it's important to actively seek out opportunities. Don't wait for things to fall in your lap. If I hadn't asked, the chances were very slim that she'd write to me and explicitly say, "Listen, if you happened to want to travel to France, I could assign a few stories."

Happy asking!!

image source: http://propertyprovence.propertyalert.org

Day 12 of 30: Wedding ask-o-rama

I spent Sunday in my pjs.

After a week of 13 hour days, I took the weekend completely off.

It was amazing.

Coffee...

              leftover pizza...

                               and flipping through wedding magazines!

I also spent quite a few hours online, looking for all the stuff I've been thinking about but too busy to investigate. And made a bunch of calls. Here's the status of those negotiations.

Photographer

An editor I work with recommended a photographer she knows, based in L.A. I saw her website and my heart started fluttering. Her pictures are breathtaking. I sent her an email, and when I heard back my heart sank: the cheapest package starts at $3,000, and if I want an album it jumps to $4,000. That is significantly above my (not yet fully determined) photo budget. All I know is that I can't afford to spend that much on photos. Even if I cut out other options -- and I believe she's worth that sacrifice -- I still can't pull that much together without cutting the guest list in half or doing the reception in my driveway.

But I replied saying I'd love to talk, and on Sunday we connected.

First of all, she was incredibly nice. We completely hit it off. Doesn't make my bank account bigger, sadly, but it was a good beginning!

Second, I found out that she is willing to create custom packages for people who can't pay her full fee.

"Really? That is such a relief! Because I would definitely want to compensate you for your time and talent. Your pictures are so amazing. But if you'd be willing to work fewer hours for less money or you could not include an assistant and take fewer pictures, then that would definitely allow me to make this work. But I also definitely want to make sure you're earning enough because you are so talented."

"Don't worry about it! I'm sure we can work something out."

Gained: A photographer!? I'll keep you posted on how it plays out.

Lost: Nothing.

Afterthought: Glancing at her portfolio, I could sense the amount of thought -- and innate talent -- that goes into framing each shot. That's worth a lot, and she is right to charge as much as she does. (Objections to the exorbitant wedding premium aside, if other photographers are charging 3, 4, and 5k for pics, she should definitely be at least in that range. She's amazing.)

That's why I was careful not to ask for a flat out discount, but to scale down both price and services.

Wedding coordinator

I am not a DIY bride. I'm a bride. 

The "DIY" tag is the latest trick of the wedding industry to convince us that NOT doing things yourself is the default. 

In linguistics they call that marking. In the olden days, most professions were a masculine default, so when a delicate she-creature venture into their territory they added the -ess ending: poetess, doctoress, actress, waitress. Today, some professions still have a feminine default, and you have to add "male" to clarify: male nurse, male dancer.

Same with this wedding lingo: nowadays if you don't add "DIY," the assuption is that you're getting the full package, including a 5k wedding planner. 

Wrong on so many levels.

Ok, rant over. Because...

I have come to the conclusion that I can't do everything by myself.

On the day of the event, I will need someone to cue the band, put a sign up pointing to where the reception is, make sure the food is ready on time. Stuff like that.

So I talked to one planner, and she was energetic and asked smart questions. But $400? For 6 hours? Maybe I don't get how difficult it is or what kind of training you need, but I would have pegged this for a $20/hour job. (Am I mistaken? Any day-of coordinators shooting smoke from their ears? Enlighten me!)

Bottom line: I will have to negotiate, or find someone more affordable or get creative. Maybe a local college student would be happy to make $150 on a Saturday night, bossing people around?

Live music

I had this vision of a gypsy fiddler wandering around the tables during the reception and playing his frenzied tunes. Not gonna happen in Southern California. Instead, I found something else really cool: a Django Reinhardt-y trio. Heard their music online and it was grooveh.

I left a message on their website saying I wanted to book them for a cocktail party, and when he called back he asked me for details.

"A wedding!" he said when I filled him in. "Well why didn't you say so!?"

"Does that mean you have to charge me double now?"

He explained that weddings have a lot more options: a bigger group, more hours, rah rah rah.

I answered that we need to stick to the cocktail option, since I can't pay for live music for the whole evening.

Then he explained their strange pricing structure. Maybe 'structure' isn't the right word, since he seemed to be kind of approximating.

"Between one... to three hours... we charge... $1,200."

"I'm confused. So even if you'd play for 2 hours, you'd charge me for 3?"

He sounded confused that I was confused. "Yes, why?"

"Would you be willing to charge less if it was not the full 3 hours?"

He told me it's not worth it to them to come out for anything less than $1,000, but he'd do two hours for that much.

Doesn't seem like a good value.

They do sound like some cool cats... but I was hoping it would be around $300 an hour for the trio, not $500 per hour for more time than I needed. I don't know going rates, but that's about what I'd mentally budgetted for.

Gained: The option to save $200 on something more costly than what I'd bargained for. I think I could work with him to bring the price down, but if it's not worth it to him, I don't know if I should bother.

Lost: Live music option, for now.

Bartender

I found a bartender on Craigslist and checked out his website. There was one thing I especially liked: he works with the client's alcohol. That means there's no markup (well, a retail markup but there might be ways around that), and we can return whatever we don't drink. Perfect!

We chatted on the phone, and he revealed that he'd be willing to lower his prices if I can't pay the full fee for all the fixings. I hadn't asked yet, but I think he sensed I wasn't going to sign up on the spot and pay full price.

I'm not sure if is business is hurting or if he's just the negotiating type.

Either way, I'm quite persuaded.

Gained: Confirmation that I should negotiate with him. He's sending me a complete quote and we'll take it from there.

Lost: Nothing.

Question: Any suggestions for signature cocktails?

image: lauriebailey.com

Day 11 of 30: Preserve this coupon?

I went out to dinner Saturday with my aunt. We ended up at a pizzeria in her neighborhood.

At the end of the night, we wanted to use a coupon, but there was one problem: on the back, there was a coupon for a different restaurant she liked.

"Don't worry, I'm sure she will figure something out," I reassured her about the waitress.

When our bill came, I explained our dilemma and wondered if there was any way she could use one side, or make a copy, or something, to keep the back intact.

"I'm not sure, but I'll ask."

Love it when people say that!!!!

She returned with their coupon blacked out, and the back in perfect shape.

Gained: A free entree or 20 percent off of my aunt's next dinner on the town.
Lost: Nothing.

Day 10 of 30: Asking for a better future

Friday morning I had a phone conference with Vickie Pynchon and Lisa Gates, the life forces behind She Negotiates. We've been talking about ways we can collaborate, and one idea we came up with was A National Day of Asking.

Imagine if every year, for one day, women decided to ask for something important to them. Imagine that they not only ask, but have the tools, information and strategies to make the request effective.

Imagine that billboards, bus stop ads, TV commercials and a viral online campaign raised awareness among the women who don't know how to ask for what they need, or that it's even an option.

Ask their bosses.

Ask their husbands.

Ask their doctors.

Ask their neighbors.

Ask their children.

For help.

For access.

For information.

For opportunities.

For fair pay.

Imagine we could somehow reach the women who don't have laptops and internet connections, who have 4 kids to care for and are exhausted and such hard workers. What would it take to prompt them to think about these issues. To act?

What if we made it a Global Day of Asking?

Imagine that around the world somehow -- but how? -- women got the courage to ask, for one precious day, for what was most precious to them.

Imagine that they could ask  -- what a dream -- safely, without fearing for their lives.

Imagine that in the direst situations, they do not ask, but demand.

Delhi.

Kandahar.

Uruguay.

Seattle.

Rome.

Addis Ababa.

The issues will certainly be different, but common in in the core message: "Hear my voice. I have something to ask of you. This is what it is."

How can we work together to stop the car thefts in our neighborhood?
Would you mind critiquing my resume?

Please let me stay in school?

Put a well in our village?

Can you give me a 20 percent raise?

I will not give you my passport.

I will not get in the car when you've been drinking.

I will not allow you to do that to her, ever again.

Just writing these words, I comprehend I can't comprehend the obstacles. Traditions, threats, violence, gaps in finance and education. But then I think about Egypt -- the ultimate ask: regime change -- and the writings of Nicholas Kristoff, and the book that set off a powerful chain reaction in my world, Women Don't Ask.

We can do this.

To make this happen, we'll need resources. Money. Access to important, connected, powerful, dedicated and influential people.

Oprah.

Kristoff.

Ellen.

Bill and Melinda Gates.

Lady Gaga.

Larry Page.

Angelina Jolie.

Katie Couric.

Carla Bruni.

Rachel Ray.

After the conversation, we each tweeted a big request: Can anyone put us in touch with any movers and shakers?

Today, Vickie heard back from Gloria Feldt, author of the must-read No Excuses, that she'll try to connect us to Mr. Kristoff.

What about you, gentle reader? Those of you reading this blog regularly or stumbling across it by searching for 'salary negotiation' or 'talk down cable bill' online (two common routes into my blog) are already victors. Congratulations for thinking about these issues. For being here.

Is there some way we could work together to help the others? If you're interested, or if you have any resources or ideas, I would love to hear from you. 

Gained: Planted a seed

Lost: Not a thing. I just feel like I'm losing time, not acting this instant. But such an endeavor will take months of hard work.

image sources: developmentalidealism.org, http://www.timesofindiatravel.com/incredible-india.html, http://smallbusinessonlinecommunity.bankofamerica.com

Day 9 of 30: Discount on a group of hotel rooms?

Ah, behind! Apologies, gentle reader.


I took the weekend off and threw myself into wedding planning. And I was in more of a digging/researching/calling mode, and less of a storytelling mode.

In light of this, I'm putting of the asking challenge deadline by one more day. So if you haven't asked yet -- to give or get money, in any amount -- go for it on Monday! And share your stories at this link.

Ok. So, back to Thursday...

I called a hotel to ask about discounted rates for wedding guests. I'd gone once before and talked to the manager, and he told me to call back and they'd set up a good rate.

First, I asked what the discount would be if I reserved rooms for a small group for two nights.

"We can do 10 percent off."

"I see. Well, when I came by to visit the manager told me he would give me a great rate. What if the group were bigger -- like, 30 or 40 people?"

"Still 10 percent."

"Really? I'm wondering if there's any way we could work better something out, maybe if we rented it for more than 2 nights? Some people are coming for a longer time and I'm also trying to find housing for them."


"10 percent off is the max."

"Not even if I rented out the whole hotel, or rented it for more than 2 nights?! What if I rented out the whole place for a week?"

"No. That is our group rate."

Suddenly the collaborative, consensus building nice girl slinked away and out came the bedouin camel trader. With suspenders.

"I'd like to bring you business, a lot of business -- possibly rent out your whole hotel for several nights, but you've got to give me a better price. Ten percent is not good enough. I want to bring you tens of thousands of dollars of business and all you're give me is ten percent? I need a better rate to make this work. What is the best rate you can give me? It has to be better than 10 percent off."

"No, that is our summer discount."

He had a point. Summer = big bucks for San Diego beachfront hotels, which this was.


But now I have a point: As I spoke my mind, I felt kind of a rush. I felt like I was making a great proposition: I bring you clients for a whole week, and you give me a better than standard discount. I felt secretly impressed that I sounded the way I've heard some men talking into their cell phones: confident, trading millions with the click of a button or an imperious bark. "You have to do better. I'm not budging unless you come down to 2...Then you can keep waiting...I'm not playing around...I don't care!!...No. Get your numbers straight and stop wasting my time. 2! I said 2!!!!!!! Ok. Get back to me in 30."

The hotel employee was utterly disinterested by both my friendly and tough approaches, but I wonder if I'd been a man -- would he have been more open to that hard negotiation style?

After my year of daily asking, I found out that when I took the wheeling and dealing approach (W 'n' D, below) I was not very successful. In fact, I was even more successful I was a total, all out bitch. When I tried to be a cool confident brash negotiator, people recoiled. (More analysis here.)

I'm tempted to try one more time, not for the discount but to test if

1. approaching him in person
2. establishing rapport
3. learning about his objectives (maximize profits? fill hotel room quota? get better travelocity ratings?) and
4. asking in a warmer 'feminine' way

could make a difference. Now wouldn't that be interesting? [drumming fingers together ominously]




Gained: a glimpse of myself as a ballsy wheeler-n-dealer
Lost: belief that it's the right approach for me. darn! it was kind of fun!!

Friday through Sunday posts, coming Monday. Now: zzzz.

An Invitation

There's this saying about good vodka: The first drink with water, the second drink without water, the third drink like water.

I think this definitely applies to asking. Do it once out of curiosity, do it again for practice, and by the third time, you'll find you're hooked.

Gentle Reader, I am writing to you with an invitation to join me in this month of asking. I've created three requests we can do together, each with a different purpose or focus. This one is money oriented, but the rest will cover other areas (career, convenience, etc). They're all easy and fun -- and designed to help build confidence, put a little cash in your pocket and make you a savvier negotiator.

Here we go:

Sometime between now and Sunday at midnight your local time, ask for one of two things.

A) Ask to save money -- any amount -- from one transaction. This can be a cash discount, free dessert at a restaurant, 'sale price' before or after the sale, on the phone or online or in person... for ideas, look here.

B) Ask to give money -- any amount -- to a stranger who doesn't look like he or she would "need" or want to accept it. Giving cash to someone asking for money is easy, so that's not what we're doing. We're going to be asking someone who gives no clues about his or her financial needs to accept $5 (or whatever amount you'd like)... since that's a little trickier.

If you're curious about doing it yourself instead of reading about it, if you've been thinking of starting to ask but unsure when or why or how, if you want a prompt, if you want to do something together with the rest of this community and want the group's support, or if you already love negotiating and want to come along for the ride, this invitation is for you!

Especially for those who are afraid to try or haven't asked yet, these exercises are meant as an opportunity to jump in. Blame me if you have to. Just ask!! 

And for experienced negotiators, feel free to expand or tailor these as you'd like. Increase the dollar amount or complete both challenges.

(If you're not comfortable or ready yet, no worries. There will be more opportunities soon, including some collaborative projects I'm developing with the creative forces behind some other negotiation/business blogs.)

As you get results, please leave a comment here. Write in with questions/concerns. Feel free to comment on each other's stories and make it a fun conversation.

CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT YOU COME UP WITH.

image source: istockphoto.com