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August 28, 2009

Letter to the Vice President for Weather and Climate Affairs

Dear Ms. Anchiale,

It was recently brought to my attention by local meteorology authorities and my own overwhelmed sweat glands that the weather in San Diego County has hit triple digit degrees recently, with high humidity to boot.

This is highly displeasing to myself and other consumers of local weather patterns.

I hereby ask you, the entity responsible for these patterns, to please, please make it stop. Pretty please?

I understand you have a job to do, and that if you make the weather too perfect here locals will grow complacent. I am also aware of the Sunshine Allocation Statue under Weather Administration Act Section B Code 43bdsf.39232-F, whereby: "Average daily temperatures for sunny days in the region of Southern California occurring between September 1 of a given calendar year and May 31 of the subsequent calendar year administered in excess to the average of each of the daily high temperatures for sunny days in Worchester, MA, Fargo, ND, and Ankorage, AK, must be matched by an at least double augmentation of cumulative daily temperature differentials compared to those daily high averages, distributed at will by an licensed and appointed Steward of the Weathers to the region of Southern California between June 1 and August 31 of the calendar year in which the latest of the preceding average daily high temperature readings were taken. Notwithstanding, heretofore, andorbut, ad nauseum, etcetera. In aeternam." That's reasonable -- if not, everyone from the colder climates would move to San Diego, and we already have enough highway congestion.

But please hear me out:

I put in my time. Spent the summers in South Texas, growing up, for Phoebus's sake. If I wanted sunny, hot and muggy, I'd be living in Louisiana, New York, Mombasa or Rome.

Instead, I sacrificed the romance of being lulled to sleep by the Mississippi River flowing past my open window and a glass of sweet tea on my nightstand... and the exhilarating tumult of the city that never sleeps... and the novelty and spiritual fulfillment of living in a new country, giving my life to God and teaching English and computer skills to young girls, for that's what I would do if I moved to Mombasa... and the pure bliss that is Rome for... San Diego.

And for what? THE WEATHER!!!

So, with all due respect, Madam, enough is enough.

If this weather does not return to the more reasonable range of 70 to 75 degrees (F), I will have no choice but to complain to your supervisor and, if need be, initiate termination of your contract. I will also file a formal complaint that may result in the revocation of your Weather Administration License. China is now manufacturing custom microclimates, and India is close behind, and I am certain, after seeing your performance this summer, that the City of San Diego would be more than willing to outsource. If the situation does not change, and soon, I will be happy to make that case.

Thank you for your time.


The Daily Asker

ps: If you throw in a week of guaranteed sunshine in Seattle on and around November 22, my sister's birthday, I would consider that as fair and equitable compensation for this current climactic debacle. Alternately, install a giant loopy water slide next to my house and we'll call it a day.
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